How to Steal Someone Else's Identity

Stealing someone else's identity is one of the simplest ways to acquire a criminal record and enjoy the many perks of incarceration. Today, more people than ever are looking into this lucrative and extralegal pastime, and the trend is only accelerating. If you have been searching for an ongoing source of fast money and overpowering self-loathing, you may want to look into some of the latest ways to steal someone else's identity.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Venal streak
• Few close personal relationships
• Aptitude for compartmentalization
• Lockbox or mattress
• Star Wars figurines (optional)
• Tale of intimate contact with member of the opposite sex

Prepare to Steal an Identity

1. Leave your scruples somewhere safe, ideally in a place where you will remember to retrieve them later. Consider a lockbox, a mattress or a hidden corner of your psyche that is likely to grow necrotic and die from disuse.
2. Forget every useful skill you have, and avoid acquiring new ones. Getting a job is a surefire way to interrupt your inexorable journey toward a life of crime. Remember what they say--gainful employment and living with integrity are for the weak.
3. Begin associating with shady characters. Look especially for accents of indeterminate origin and physical shortcomings of the sort most people would rapidly recognize as a shorthand for villainy.
4. Get a final good night's sleep, because you never will again.

Move in for the Steal

5. Create a piece of malware designed to steal information from people who have never wronged you or possibly anyone else in their lives. Consider preying on the old and infirm, since they can be especially careless. Remember to make frequent allusions to self-righteous koans such as "If they're too stupid to know [blank], they don't deserve their money anyway," or "All I did was teach that n00b a valuable lesson." Then, sit at home, huddled in a corner, and wait for the police.
6. Go through someone else's trash, making sure to read all private correspondence, and stash any signs of woe or embarrassment you deem yours to relish. Use this information for all manner of evil as long as possible, being sure to outpace your guilt by dipping frequently into any available wellsprings of entitlement. You can then return home to sit in the corner and wait for the police.
7. Pay unsavory people for credit card information, and then use it to purchase a large television or those rims you've been eyeing. If the vendors in your l33t crew do not accept PayPal, consider offering a form of Black Hat legal tender such as Star Wars figurines or a credible tale of intimate contact with a member of the opposite sex. After you obtain your ill-gotten information, you can retreat to your favorite corner and wait for the police.
8. Place your hands where the officer can see them. It is important to remember that you have the right to remain silent, and that anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.
9. Go to jail. Go directly to jail.

Tips & Warnings

• Groucho Marx masks are considered passe in most law-breaking circles nowadays. Consider a mask of someone more "now," such as Voldemort.
• Don't do this.