How to Support a Friend With Secondary Infertility

Couples with secondary infertility have difficulty conceiving or giving birth to a child after they have already succeeded in giving birth to one or more children. For some reason, society is not as supportive of couples struggling with secondary infertility. Instead of offering the same support that they would give to couples with primary infertility (couples who have never succeeded in giving birth to a child), friends tell the infertile couple that they should just appreciate the child or children that they have. As a result, couples with secondary infertility often feel isolated and unsupported during a very painful time in their lives. Here is how to support a friend with secondary infertility.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Compassion
• Empathy

1. Step into your infertile friend's shoes. Imagine that you desperately want another child but are unable to have one. Every time you look at your kitchen table, you see an empty place that you desperately want to fill. You feel a pit in your stomach each time you think about your child or children missing out on having a younger sibling. Meanwhile, your family and friends' idea of support is to imply that you do not appreciate your child.

2. Identify the emotions your infertile friend might be feeling. After you step into your infertile friend's shoes, label the emotions and feelings that you felt. Those emotions likely include depression, grief, anger, envy and isolation.

3. Choose not to judge your friend. Whether or not she should feel satisfied with her family situation is irrelevant. Her reality is that she feels a strong need to parent another child. Because of her secondary infertility, she is unable to meet that need. She needs your compassion rather than your judgment.

4. Spend time with your infertile friend. Ask her how her fertility treatments are going and show sincere concern about her situation.

5. Invite your friend to share her grief. People who are facing secondary infertility often feel as if they have no safe place to fall apart because of people's judgments. Be that safe place for your friend to fall apart. Let her cry on your shoulder.

6. Offer to baby-sit. Fertility treatments can take a lot of time, and a child cannot come along for the treatments. Offer to baby-sit while your friend is undergoing fertility procedures.

Tips & Warnings

• If you offer support to your friend with secondary infertility today, she will not forget your kindness. Your compassion will go a long way toward deepening your friendship.