How to Live Peacefully with a College Roommate

One of the most stressful things about going away to college is dealing with your living situation. Most colleges require you to live on-campus for your first year. It is difficult enough to balance a heavier school load, adjusting to being out from under Mom & Dad's thumb, making new friends, and a job if you need one (and let's face it, most of us do). It is nice to be able to de-stress in your own space, but in college, you don't often have it. Most college residence halls provide tiny holes in the wall they call rooms, and you have to share that with another person. So how do you make sure that where you live is not a tension filled, angry place?

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Patience
• Compassion
• Pen
• Paper

1. First, you need to figure out what you need from your roommate. Take your pen and paper, and write down things that you know will bother you, like phone calls at 3 am, or trash piled up. Little things that may seem like no big deal can turn into one if they continuously happen and go unchecked.
   You also should figure out when you like to study, when you like to go to bed, when you need some alone time, and any other situational issue that you can think of.

2. Second, you need to think of things that you do that could be potentially irksome to someone else. When studying, do you need to have music playing? Do you need to have the room clean at all times? Do you need to have things messy? Do you have a significant other that will be visiting? Write all these things down as well.

3. You need to *gasp* sit down and talk with your roommate. This can be difficult, especially since most people are passive-aggressive. Confrontations can be awkward, and hard to move past. What is important here is that you tell your roommate upfront that you want to have a good relationship with them, and you don't want to have huge blowout fights, or passive-aggressive fights that involve waiting to see who will finally take out the trash. Tell them you'd like to set up some basic guidelines, so that you each get some of what you want from the room. Discuss things that are important to you, and ask your roommate things that are important to them.

4. Write down a list of specific guidelines that you both agree upon. For example, you like music playing when you are studying, but your roommate needs silence. You can agree to use headphones while studying, and sometimes your roommate will go to the library to study so you can rest your eardrums from those earbuds. Set up visting rules, like how much time in advance should you notify each other before you have an overnight guest, or people visiting in general. How long can a visitor stay? Is three days too long? Is one day too short? You need to discuss what is important to each of you.

5. Post the list in a spot that you will both see it, but that is not quite so obvious to visitors of your room - like behind your door. That way it is a constant reminder to be open and honest with each other, and you can refer to it as necessary.

Tips & Warnings

• Try to be as compassionate as possible for your roommate's needs, but remember to stand up for something that you need as well. Don't succumb to the 'pleasing others' mentality. You have to get some of what you need, as well.

[amylaine]

on 2/23/2008 Not trying to be best friends is also a good idea. That way you have time away from each other, to vent and be your own person. Great article.