How to Blend Families Successfully

There are many television examples that lead us astray when we think about how to create the "perfect" blended family. The only problem is that most people aren't perfect; which means that most families aren't perfect! So, let's toss that image aside and get real. Blended families come with baggage, and needs and wants. Even when the adults are happy about the marriage, sometimes the children aren't. In the worse case scenario you can end up feeling like an outsider in your own home. Let's develop a plan to help you address areas of concern and improve your chances of a successful blending.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Accept that change in life is a constant, and one of the only aspects of life that is predictable. Transitions are a "normal" part of life, and the way in which we handle transitions can contribute or detract from our overall health. Creating a family is a dynamic process and even when we are tying our hardest we sometimes feel inadequate. Take a deep breath and recognize this, before you get too critical.

2. Talk with your partner about family rules, needs, and expectations. Try to get these as clear as possible before you move in with a new partner. If you have never lived with children before, you might want to take a parenting class. Establish relationship priorities with your partner, and set clear limits and boundaries for the children. Not having a congruent approach to parenting can sabotage your best efforts at blending your family; parent cooperatively.

3. Work on resolving any old feelings or relationships issues with your ex-partner, and make sure your new partner has done the same. Relationships with ex-partners can be laden with unresolved conflict, anger and confusion. Even ex-partners that once co-parented cooperatively can find themselves in turmoil when a new partner enters the scene. Parenting plans and visitation schedules can be complicated, and the issue of who has power or control may be a frequent topic of conversation.

4. Make sure that no one family member feel less important than another. Getting clear about the family structure can take a little time. Some families are made up of "half" and "step" and "biological" children. Hold regular family meetings to work on resolving conflict, with agreed upon rules that everyone needs to respect and follow.

5. Establish a routine and family rules when the children are in your home. The house can start to feel like there is a revolving door, with the variety of visitation schedules that can exist.

6. Be patient. Bonding is not something you can force. Just as in nature, bonding occurs naturally. When a human feels trust they begin to feel safe; these are the foundations for the bond of love that you are trying to establish. This can become threatened when a new sibling enters the mix. Trust can be a fragile thing, value it and treat it with respect. Give it time; with trust, respect and love, the bonding can occur.

Tips & Warnings

• Honestly assess your situation, and create a plan to address limitations.
• Discipline is important for children (not abuse).
• Plan for the future as best as you can, but realize that things can happen that you couldn't predict.
• Understand areas in which you are vulnerable and try to bolster yourself to remain strong, realize there will be blind spots.
• Work on continually improving your communication skills.
• Be flexible!
• Try to live in the present with an eye on the future, and not the past.
• Take time for you and take care of yourself.
• No matter how hard you try to have a healthy blended family you cannot control an ex-partner's behavior or anyone else.
• Be responsible for your choices.
• The children may resent you or your new partner; get professional support if this is causing stress in the family.
• If you are viewed as an outsider, remember you are in charge.
• Focus on the strengths in the relationships whenever possible!

Resources

• www.lifespandevelopmentcenter.com

[dreamteller]

on 6/28/2009 Good tips