How to Fight Fairly

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By Clarissa Steffen, Ed.D.
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Understanding that other people are not responsible for your anger can help open the door for you to improve your ability to negotiate in most situations. Anger can be held onto for long periods of time, increasing intensity and distortion. When you finally try to release your anger, it's often out of proportion to the situation. Recognize your anger and that of the other person. This can be done without validating a person's reason for being angry. Learning to tolerate anger can improve your ability to cope with confrontation. Recognizing the difference between anger and abuse can be critical. Abusive relationships can result in unfair fights. Don't worry about being perfect--it is better to be human. If two people respect one another, they can accept their differences. Even when fighting, they can learn to treat one another fairly.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

The ability to set clear limits and boundaries
A desire for honest communication in your relationships
Increased tolerance in handling anger and confrontation

Step 1

Create you own personalized guidelines for fair fighting and evaluate whether you follow them. Compare your behavior in various argumentative relationships.
Step 2

Assess the situation(s) and determine in which relationships unfair fighting occurs.
Step 3

Consider what aspects of each relationship needs to change in order to be healthiest for you.
Step 4

Evaluate whether or not the other person is willing to fight fairly. If you find that they are repeatedly unable or unwilling to fight fairly, decide whether they are worthy of your companionship.
Step 5

Working on improving your ability to fight fairly will help you develop a more healthy self-image with less defensiveness.
Step 6

If tolerating arguing is difficult for you, learning fair fighting techniques can be helpful. As you gain tolerance to handle anger, confrontation and disagreement with more confidence your self-worth will begin to emerge.

Tips & Warnings

Try not to make unsubstantiated statements when angry.
Avoid engaging in "You did this and I did that" arguments.
Be careful not to talk over another person.
Learn to take turns when listening or speaking.
Try not to talk at a person or scream or talk loudly at the person.
Be mindful of condescending or demeaning tones or comments.
Be assertive, not aggressive!
Speak your mind without demeaning the other person's thoughts or position.
Do not engage in name calling or humiliating the other person.
Listen, even if you are afraid what the other person has to say.
Don't live in the past or hold on to old anger or complaints.
Remember that what the person has to say may be difficult for them as well.
Try to avoid taking the position of being right, it creates a no-win position.
For more on information on rules for fair fighting look at Bach, G. & Deutsch R.M. (1983), Pairing (Avon Books).
Changing old patterns of behavior can be difficult and may take time.
If unfair fighting is coupled with addiction, be careful not to escalate to abuse---leave the situation if possible before this occurs.
Unfair fighting breeds defensiveness which can lead to shame and humiliation in a relationship.
Unresolved anger can become overwhelming.
Unfocused anger can be unconstructive and a waste of time.
Try to not sit in judgment or other's anger, or be too quick to judge whether it is valid or not.
Anger is different from abuse; however, unfair fighting can lead to feelings of inadequacy which may lead to abusive behavior.
Engaging in perfectionistic thinking may cause you to not fight fairly. Try to allow yourself to be human.
Try to set limits and boundaries that meet your values, this can help you be aware of fighting fairly.