How to Assess If an Elderly Parent Should Live Alone

Be empathetic, but not patronizing, when helping your elderly father or mother decide whether to live alone.

Your parent who taught self-sufficiency with great patience and wisdom is now fighting to keep her own. As her adult child, what can you do to find the delicate balance between her independence and her safety? How can you facilitate the most beneficial solution without taking over your parent's right to manage her own health care and living arrangements? The process begins and ends with communication, with a few practical considerations along the way.

Difficulty:

Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• Strong communication with your parent
• Enormous patience
• Additional time to advocate on your parent's behalf
• Respect and honesty

1. Prepare the groundwork. It is difficult -- at times, even uncomfortable -- to broach safety and health concerns with aging parents. It is not uncommon for them to react defensively. If you can prepare for that reaction you will more easily establish a calm and reasonable discussion. Give him some time and opportunity to absorb your concerns. This is one of life's turning points, and it is not easy for the elderly nor will it be easy for you as you grow closer to being in his shoes. Try to empathize without patronizing. With selfless priorities, you can navigate the inevitable.

2. Remain focused. Don't be tempted to bring up all the highly personal areas that need to be arranged at once. For example, if you talk to your parent about why living alone has become a serious health and safety risk, do not throw in the need to take over her bank account, examine her will, or other long-term and very private matters. Relinquishing one's independence is far easier to internalize and accept if it can come gradually rather than like a speeding bullet.

3. Make a list. In considering whether your aging parent should be living alone, you will need to define all the issues that cause you daily concern. If there are serious health concerns, point out clearly to your parent why this is so problematic. As a way of allowing a third and objective voice to weigh in, go with your parent to her next physician's appointment. Both of you can voice your opinions and concerns. This open communication is essential, therefore, be careful not to let her feel she's simply being outnumbered. This would get about the same response as if you had spoken with her doctor behind her back. The decisions affect your parent; she has the right to speak in her own behalf.

4. Watch for danger signs. If your parent has exhibited signs of dementia, Alzheimer's disease or other uncharacteristic behavior that could be dangerous, you have no choice but to voice your concerns. Expect denial, resentment or even anger, but do not ignore the problems. The elderly often feel embarrassed by such problems and almost certainly will be frightened by them. Keep her physician informed of any increases in symptoms, but be sure your parent knows you plan to have that discussion and why. Encourage her input in the discussion so the doctor can give the most complete care possible.

5. Be mindful of patterns of change. Notice when he is having more problem days because of health problems. Notice whether he becomes more forgetful of common things or begins to place items in strange places; for example, car keys in the refrigerator. Take time to really look at your aging parent regularly. Note weigh loss or gain, signs of depression, any marked fatigue or acute changes in appetite and sleep patterns. These are important warnings that signal your parent's need for a strong advocate.

6. Remain respectful. No matter how old we become or how our health and mind may falter, none of us wants our individuality taken from us. We have lived a lifetime to earn the right to our privacy and our opinions. When the time comes that we can no longer remain independent, we will go more gracefully to the next phase if we have a loving advocate, and if we are allowed to retain our views and our dignity.

Tips & Warnings

• Begin the dialog on arrangements for elderly care as far in advance as possible, and revisit it frequently.

• Prepare yourself for the role of caregiver as soon as possible. If you are going to advocate for your parent, you must first take care of yourself.

• If your parent is adamant on a particular issue, unless it is an eminent health or safety risk, wait to ask her physician's opinion before forcing a change.

References

• USA Today: Becoming "Parent of Your Parent" an Emotionally Wrenching Process; Mindy Fetterman; February 2008
• Workforce50: When a Parent Can No Longer Live Alone

Resources

• CNN Money: Keep Your Aging Parents Safe at Home; Kim Clark; July 2011
• Elder Options of Texas: 10 Signs Your Elderly Parent May Need Help