Things You'll Need:
- Trusted clergy, therapist or counselor
- Family and friends as a support system, not as guidance counselors
- Time and space, as much as necessary
-
Step 1
Most of us think we know exactly what we would do should we find ourselves on the receiving end of an unfaithful spouse. As with most things in life, an armchair warrior’s opinion is quite easy to come by. That person isn't actually experiencing the tremendous pain and uncertainty. Ask that person to begin any sentence with, “If it were me.” It isn’t them; and as much as they may love you and want to protect you, they cannot take this mountain for you. You will have to find your own path.
-
Step 2
Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself time to catch your breath. Do not be rushed or forced into any arbitration or into leaving--not by your spouse nor by well-intentioned friends and family. The pain is yours. Demand the opportunity to find your own footing. Do not feel that you have a time limit on doing so. You will know when you are ready to confront the situation and those involved.
-
Step 3
No matter what your spouse might have said or what you may have learned, embrace on truth immediately: It is not your fault. Sure, you’ve been less than perfect in the relationship. The entire world is filled with imperfect people, many of whom are in relationships. Nothing on your part is even remotely an excuse for your spouse to betray your trust by way of an affair.
-
Step 4
Your spouse violated your trust; that bell cannot be unrung. Therefore, the earlier you find a counselor, therapist or clergy memeber to help you work through your personal feelings, the better. The relationship is in jeopardy. While it may not survive in the end, it most certainly has no chance if you do not begin to heal as an individual. While friends and family are certainly wonderful to have as a support system, it is an objective, experienced voice that can give you the best tools.
-
Step 5
In time, you will be more emotionally equipped to begin a dialogue about what has happened, what the repercussions truly are and what needs to happen next. No two relationships are alike; therefore, no two solutions to this issue will be the same. Some people find they can reach a point where they are willing to work toward the end goal of viewing the affair as a deliberate but uncharacteristic lapse in judgment. For others, at the end of it all, there is simply not enough emotional thread left to try and repair the damage. It may take a long time and a lot of joint and individual counseling before you are really certain of what you need to do. You may be surprised, either way, at where you find yourself at the end.
-
Step 6
There is no wrong conclusion. When the discussions are over, when the counseling sessions have given as much as they give and when you’ve searched yourself long and hard, the answer will not be easy either way. But you will reestablish trust through this process. It may be a tentative trust in your spouse, with a whole new foundation. Or, it may be a fragile trust in yourself and your own self worth, one that restores your strength and your faith in others even if you cannot stay in the relationship. Trust is earned. You will have earned the right, at the very least in such a gigantically personal issue, to ultimately trust your own instincts.
Comments
ctwwrites said
on 7/3/2008 Jill, while I am certainly not a professional, it is clear that you and your fiancee are on the right track....you are communicating and that is so essential when a major trust issue is going on. Call some of your local churches to find out what family and couples counseling they provide. These services should be free, confidential, and could really help your fiancee open up. Best of luck to you both!
jillcanner said
on 7/3/2008 No matter how many places I look, I cannot find anything that gives the advice I need. My fiancee was the victim on infidelity. His ex-wife cheated for 8 years before he found out. Now we are together and things are near perfect 99% of the time. The trouble is the 1% of the time that he has irrational fears, doesn't trust me, accuses me of things I haven't done and interegates me. He is very insecure and needs constant reassurance. I understand why he has trouble with these feelings of anxiety, and when I point out that I am not his ex-wife he apologizes and says he needs help. We can't find help, and we can't afford a psychologist. How can he learn to trust again in this new relationship?