How to Become a Vampire Slayer

The undead do live. Lurk through cemeteries, riding the subway and waiting in line at McDonald’s, vampires prey on the unsuspecting, iPod-clad, cell-phone-wielding men and women who don’t believe in Santa Clause or any monsters under their bed. With passion, dedication and a slight chemical imbalance, you can become a vampire slayer, and banish these creatures of hell to--well, hell. Read on to learn more.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Stakes
• Holy water
• Leather pants
• Seasons 1 through 7 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on DVD

1. Purchase the clothes. You must look like a vampire slayer to be a vampire slayer. Leather, high-heels and crucifixes are all part of the job. Vampires are attracted to the yes-please-take-me-home-with-you look.

2. Learn the moves. Set up a home gym and hone your mixed martial arts skills. Get comfortable with everything from stakes and holy water to crossbows and double-headed axes. Vampires are superhuman; but you can be superhuman too. Remember: it’s not worth slaying unless you slay in style. Front flips, back hand springs, splits, roundhouse kicks and body slams are all check marks in the style column.

3. Research the enemy. Peruse the local library. While most encyclopedias overlook vampires, the fiction shelves will have a decent selection of vampire lore. “Dracula” remains a classic; but for a look at the modern evolution of vampires, sit down with a few episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” While vampires are behind the times, they’re not that behind the times.

4. Find the enemy. Hang out in cemeteries and dark alleys. Visit sleazy bars in the sleazy parts of town. Do everything your mother fears you do. Don’t stay out of trouble--follow it. When you find it, slay it.

5. Create a repertoire of catchy one-liners. Every famous vampire slayer has a decent collection of post-slaying puns, because every near-death experience needs comic relief. Even though your audience will be dust, a good joke goes a long way in boosting your confidence.

Tips & Warnings

• Always adapt to your environment. Furniture, fallen tree branches, pool cues, even fence posts can be used as stakes. If you can make a weapon out of anything, you’ll never be defenseless, and you’ll rack up the cool points in the process.
• Never date a vampire. He'll be moodier than a drummer in an emo band, and if he bites you, you’ll never be able to dump him.
• Never slack on your training. Not only will you’re slaying suffer, your leather-clad butt will, too.
• This should go without saying, but this article is not meant to be taken seriously. Hurting other people is illegal, even if you think they are vampires.

Resources

• The History of Vampires
• The History of Vampire Slayers

[bcarey1253]

on 5/7/2009 you guys are coo-coo for co-co puffs!!!

[alicebishochaos]

on 3/21/2009 ._." wow I really don't want to be a Vampire Slayer but this was kewl. <.< vampires need to exsist to keep the balance.

[superman13]

on 3/20/2009 hahahahah. entertaining to say the very least, but really? good luck all you hunters. i could care less if you come after me, you wont be able to do anything of real concern to me. you would need speed you dont have, you would need strength you dont have, and you would need brains you dont have. do yourself a favor and give up now, otherwise your likely to end up dead, and you will have waisted good money on that rediculous leather suit.

[blueberry2545]

on 2/26/2009 You vampires will never win.

[silentxautumn]

on 1/26/2009 I don't know what to say to this. Clearly, vampires are real and there are many that have been able to keep themselves in control without causing any troubles. Then there are the strays. This is the real world...just because someone else harms people doesn't mean you have the right to do so yourself. What needs to be done is cleansing of those who have been drained/used by a stray vampire and then quite possibly a spell to help that vampire find his/her way. The role of the slayer in this won't necessarily be a physical one, but one in which a person can entrust these happenings to. Otherwise, your whole "gang" can easily end up in a nice jail cell. No personal experience; just logical thinking.