How to Survive a Transatlantic Relationship

It can happen before you know it: that handsome stranger at the Barcelona club turns into more than just a fling; that girl you saw on the Madrid metro winds up being someone you can’t quite say goodbye to. It can happen to a relationship you thought was anything but difficult: your girlfriend decides to quit her job and volunteer in Romania; your boyfriend decides to get his MBA in Paris. You can find yourself in a transatlantic relationship for a lot of different reasons, and however it happens, surviving it can be tough. But it can be done. It just takes a little know-how--and a lot of effort. Read on to learn more.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Partner
• Lots of conversation
• Great international calling plan

1. Get on the same page. This is basic but crucial, whether you’ve been dating one month or one year. Clarify where the relationship stands. Define it if you haven’t done so and figure out all the nitty-gritty about how open or exclusive the relationship is. These issues are important for any relationship. Though each couple addresses them on a different timeline, it’s vital that you clarify them before one of you makes an important decision. These topics and questions can help you get into a discussion:
   
   Is the relationship exclusive? Or, can we date other people?
   Is this relationship something serious or are we keeping it casual?
   How do we define the relationship: dating, boyfriend/girlfriend or partner?
2. Talk about expectations. No transatlantic relationship can survive if one person expects monthly visits and the other expects a year hiatus. Similarly, you’ll face immeasurable conflict if you have different expectations about moving in together abroad. The truth about pursuing a transatlantic relationship is that you have to really, really think it’s worth it—-both of you. If one person’s more into it than the other, you might find there’s been a lot of wasted effort. Consider these questions:
   
   Do you want to keep moving this relationship forward? What does that mean if you’re living abroad?
   If you’re still together in 3, 6 or 12 months, what will happen? Will one of you have to move for the other? What does that scenario look like?
   Is there a definite end-point for the separation? If not, do you want one?
   Is there an engagement at the end of this? A different kind of commitment?
3. Make a calling schedule. A transatlantic relationship brings the added difficulty of the time difference, so your Barcelona sweetie might be sleeping just as you get home from work. Try to figure out a time that works for both of you--maybe in the morning U.S. time, when your transatlantic half is having lunch--and make an effort to talk everyday.
4. Avoid nasty telephone bill surprises. Buy blocks of cheap minutes from companies like www.speedypin.com, or upgrade your international long-distance plan with your telephone company. And this is key: Save money on phone calls by calling to and from landline phones rather than cell phones. We can’t stress this enough: Calling a European cell phone from the U.S. is infinitely more expensive than calling a European landline!
5. Make plans to visit. If both of you are serious about the relationship, plan a lot of trips--once a month if possible, once every other month if not. Absence may make the heart grow fonder; but it’s hard for a relationship to grow when you never see each other. Traveling this much can be expensive, as well as difficult to arrange around work and vacation time. But this is the key to making a transatlantic relationship work. Try to get bumped to score free tickets; and build up frequent flier miles in one chosen airline. Traveling on weekdays rather than weekends can also help you save money.
6. Make the effort. If you both want the relationship to work, and you both put in the effort, then the distance will be just one more obstacle that you can overcome through discussion, compromise and dedication. And remember--if you can survive this, your relationship will be that much stronger. It’s a unique kind of test, and one that can reveal a lot about a relationship. Try to see it as an opportunity rather than a disaster.

Tips & Warnings

• If you're jealous by nature, get it under control. Nothing will wreak a long-distance relationship faster than roiling suspicions and unfounded accusations. If you can't trust your partner, you won't get very far in this at all.