How to Never Get Published

Whatever type of writing you do, or say you do, or will definitely do when you get around to it, you probably realize how frighteningly easy it is for that writing never to see the light of day. Would you like to ensure that your "masterpiece" stays in your head, in the slush pile or generally far from a printing press? Follow these easy tips and you'll never have to worry about publishing a word.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Procrastination
• Certain literary elements
• Too much pride
• No discipline
• No effort
• Many phone calls to publishers

1. For children's literature, make the moral of the story really obvious. Just state it at the end. How about at the beginning and middle too? Remember, you want to TEACH those kids something. That's your purpose. Featuring talking animals as your characters can also be an easy way to have your work rejected by many publishers.

2. For children's magazines, rely on your own personal memories and nostalgia to write your stories. Pay no attention to the real world of children today, with its new technological realities, etc. In fact, just depict that wholesome Dick and Jane 1950s childhood and pretend that time has frozen. The kids today will just have to deal with it!

3. For adult literature, especially fiction, don't get an agent. Don't even consider it. Figure that your work is so good you don't need one. Also, put off doing today what you can do tomorrow. Let your addictions take over. Whatever you do, eat or drink or surf the Internet, but don't sit down and work on that manuscript.

4. For children's poetry, try some really complicated meters and subtle half-rhymes or sight rhymes. Go for a very serious theme. Inject absolutely no humor into the work. (What was Dr. Seuss thinking?) For adult poetry, write something totally obscure that is comprehensible to yourself and only to yourself. No one needs to understand what is actually going on.

5. Email, or better yet phone the editor or publisher over and over again after submitting an unsolicited manuscript. They love to be hounded. Be sure that this is the most effective way to get your work noticed and read.

6. For all types of writing, just give up on the dream. It'll never happen anyway.

[jester512]

on 2/9/2008 very funny and incisive remarks. yes, i think i'll go throw another bag of frozen shrimp on the barbie and cry "why me! why me?!?" as i, oblivious, watch time slip away.