How to use a toilet without touching the seat - the healthy way

Many people for a lot of reason what to avoid contacting their behind with a public restroom toilet seat. You could do the "half squat or "hover" but these techniques are anti-ergonomic and can cause intestinal strain, colon trouble and above all - skinners! Its amazing to me that our culture is out of whack that we've even forgotten how to poop! Our bodies have not changed their structure for at least 500,000 years and yet we "modern" westerners , despite colon rampent colon cancer and constipation insist sitting is better for everything. This technique is just going back to a much more natural position

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• average degree of balance, shoes with fairly flat, grippy soles and a full bladder or bowl.

1. Make sure seat is dry and sturdy- otherwise lift it up and use rim.
2. take 6 or so sections of tp, fold in half and let fall in the middle of the water- this provides a target and reduces splash.
3. Stand up on the seat or rim, pull pants or skirt down to ankles, grab them and pull them out of the line of fire. fully squat down and let 'er rip!
   
   As you're edoing this, ponder questions like, "does the pope sh*@ in the woods?" and "do bears wear funny hats?"
4. I think you can handle it from there. My job is done; I am not going to tell you to wipe front to back or back to front.
5. Wash hands.
6. go eat pudding or drink lemonade.

Tips & Warnings

• If you have trouble with this you might trying but a "poop crane 5000" wwhich hoists you effortlessly with its pneumatic winch safely above the seat.
• Please leave comments or rating and check out my other articles.
• if you fall in go ahead and sit on the seat, it will suddenly seem a lot cleaner.