How to Stay Single for the Rest of One’s Life

Going out on dates, being in a relationship, getting engaged, planning a wedding, being married, having kids—do you sometimes get the feeling that it’s all just too much work? If you faithfully follow these helpful tips, you won’t ever have to worry about any of these things. In fact, you might not even have any friends. But everything valuable comes with its price.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Wear cheap, ill-fitting and mismatched clothes whenever you go out.
2. Don’t pay attention to your hygiene or grooming habits. Brushing your teeth is overrated.
3. Act awkward and geeky around eligible members of the opposite sex. (This skill comes naturally to some of us, but other people need to work at it.)
4. Act desperate. Desperation is very attractive, especially to women.
5. Pretend like you have a lousy job, little cash, and no prospects. Better yet, have a lousy job, little cash, and no prospects.
6. Call up any of your friends or acquaintances whom you consider attractive and ask them out on dates. Don’t concern yourself with whether you actually have any sort of connection with them. If—when—you get shot down, keep trying.
7. If someone actually asks you out on a date, stand her up. If you must go out, talk loudly during dinner, chew with your mouth open, ignore everything your date says and talk only about yourself, treat the wait staff like dirt, make flatulent noises with your hand in your armpit, and walk out on your bill.
8. If, after doing all this, your date is still interested in you…you’re done for. Don’t try to fight it anymore. Accept it. Embrace it. Your carefree, happy-go-lucky bachelorhood is over.