How to Stop Having Serial Relationships

Do you find yourself going from one intimate relationship to another with no break in time? Do you find that you believe that you are a nobody without a somebody in your life? Do you find that you become very anxious and upset if you do not have a special someone in your life? Do new partners find that you are overly smothering, dependent, clingy and overwhelming in your emotional and/or physical needs? Do you become desperate, despairing, and highly aggressive if you do not have someone in your life? If you fit any or all of these situations then you have a problem with serial relationships. You need to look at these steps seriously to reduce the anxiety, depression and fatigue that come along with being a serial relationship junkie.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Willingness to change
• Open to new information
• Self-honesty about who you really are
• Commitment to alter your behaviors

1. Learn to believe that you are enough for yourself. It may come as a surprise to you that you do not need someone in your life to be a fulfilled person. It may not seem possible that you could be enough for yourself to be a complete person, but the truth is you are all you need to be a complete human being. You need to learn to accept and love yourself unconditionally and recognize that a relationship with another person is to complement who you are, rather than define who you are.

2. Take time before you jump into a relationship. If you find yourself being needy, hungry for a relationship or clinging to the first person who comes along then you need to slow down your search for relationships so that you will be able to establish healthy boundaries with the candidates you meet for a new relationship.

3. Heal your inner self from the pain and hurts you are carrying around. If you have been hurt or disappointed in your previous relationships you need to take time to heal your inner being from the pain, emotional bruising and brittle feelings which result from a bad relationship. You need to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the last relationship and learn from them. You need to make sure that you are enough for yourself and independent of others.

4. Get out there and taste the wine. Once you have given yourself time to heal and feel strong enough to enter a new intimate relationship, begin to go out there and taste the wine. Do not limit yourself to the first candidate who comes along! If you do, you will never know what the other wines taste like. You could miss out on an excellent match due to your desperation to be connected again.

5. Assess if your potential relationship candidates rank as Triple A. Since you are not rushing into things you have now got time to thoroughly assess the candidates you are meeting. You want to see how well these candidates meet your own emotional, intellectual, financial, spiritual, community-mindedness, political and educational functioning. It is always a good policy to figure out if these candidates are Triple A candidates. See Tips below on how to identify a Triple A candidate for a relationship.

6. Put your Triple A candidates through spring training. You want to see how they function under pressure in the real world. You want to participate with them in spring training which should be no less than three months or more than six months in length. In the process introduce them to a variety of issues and find out where they are compatible or complementary to you. See Tips for rules on spring training.

7. Do not confuse lust for love. It is important from the get go to inform all of your potential relationship candidates to know that you are in the process of slowly entering into a long-term intimate relationship and that you are not interested in allowing lust to be confused with love. That way there will be no sexual intimacy with any of your candidates during this spring training process. If your candidates are not willing to respect this directive or desire, then you know that they are not Triple A candidates.

8. Assess which of your Triple A candidates is the best match for you. If your Triple A candidates have stuck with you through spring training and are still providing you with the communication, acceptance and understanding you are looking for in a relationship then you are ready to make your selection. For most of you, the Triple A candidate who is your right match will be the last one standing. Most candidates who look and sound perfect really are not and only a true blue Triple A candidate will last through spring training. If you have more than one candidate standing at the end of spring training look at TIPS below for help.

9. Make a commitment to the final candidate standing. At the end of it you will have found the person you are ready to commit to. At that point make the commitment and take the relationship to the next step following the goals and policies for your relationship you both have set during your spring training for this relationship.

Tips & Warnings

• How to Identify the Wines to be Tasted in Your Relationship Search 1. Do not limit your relationship search and recruitment to your old limited resources. 2. Establish an aggressive strategy of seeking out a variety of eligible candidates for potential relationships. 3. Use the social networking websites on the internet. 4. Use your contacts at your local temple, synagogue or church. 5. Use your friends, work colleagues and family networks to help identify possible candidates. 6. Get out there and volunteer in the community to meet likeminded and like-hearted candidates. 7. Do not limit the net that you are throwing out to draw in potential candidates. 8. As these candidates come forward get out there and meet and greet. 9. Relax, breath in, and enjoy the variety of wines out there.
• How to determine if your candidate for a Relationship is a Triple A candidate You need to answer the following questions: 1. Is this candidate psychologically minded and open to emotional growth and personal development? 2. Has this candidate successfully done personal recovery work from low self-esteem related issues and owns up to having been down that path? 3. Is it clear that this candidate is not currently in another significant relationship at this time? 4. Was this candidate ever in a previous relationship where this candidate was responsible for the emotional disheveling of the relationship? 5. Is this candidate financially stable and not in need of being financially rescued or supported? 6. Is this candidate presentable enough that you would want all your family and friends to meet and enjoy just like you enjoy the candidate’s company and companionship?
• Rules for Spring Training with your Triple A Candidates: Rule 1: Bring up the following issues with your relationship Candidates: 1. Lifestyle, personal interests, personal beliefs, and personal values 2. Leisure and recreational outlets 3. Personal vision for life in the future 4. Personal passions which need to be fulfilled in life and how to fulfill them 5. Educational and professional accomplishments 6. Financial obligations, level of debt, credit rating, financial independence 7. Overcoming barriers to healthy relationships 8. Goal setting for relationship Rule 2: Assess how your Triple A candidates handle the introduction to these constructs and issues. Rule 3: Monitor how they navigate these issues with you to determine if how compatible and complimentary they are to your desires, wishes, and wants. Rule 4: Find out if they have a similar list of spring training guidelines which they are following in assessing if you are Triple A and the right match for a life partner.
• What if you have more than one Triple A Candidate Standing If you are the exception to the rule and have more than one candidate standing then you need to make your choice. How you make this choice is by asking yourself: Is this person with whom I can: 1. Make a life-long commitment? 2. Be totally transparent and vulnerable? 3. Trust what the person says, confesses to, believes, thinks, and acts? 4. Take the risk to move forward with?
• If you find yourself not willing to hold off from engaging in sexual intimacy during the Spring Training with your candidates then you know you need to return to Step 1 and work on your self-acceptance, self-love and ability to recognize that you are too desperate, clingy, or sex starved to find a healthy relationship. Or worst of all cases, you will discover that you are a sex addict and/or a relationship addict.

Resources

• Coping.org: Tools for Coping with Life's Stressors
• Handling Intimacy in Relationships
• Unconditional Self-Acceptance and Self-Love
• Building Healthy Relationship Boundaries
• Self-forgiveness
• Handling the Use of Power and Control in Relationships
• What is Self-Esteem?
• Handling Barriers in Relationships
• Goal Setting in Relationships
• Becoming Vulnerable in Relationships
• Building Trust in Relationships
• On Becoming a Risk Taker in Relationships

[hollyhood314]

on 5/2/2009 great assesment of the topic and very in-depth advice i think i have an itimacy problem i want to thank you for your information information this is a psychological problem i will admit that 5 stars and a rec u sound very knowlegeable

[sassybosslady]

on 2/5/2009 It's too hard for me! Help!

[tomandjami]

on 4/15/2008 wow this was an eye opener, i have a good friend who does this and when i was single i did too