How to Prepare to Meet a Birthparent

Many individuals who were adopted are interested in meeting a birthparent. Some adoptions are open and children may meet a birthparent while they are still young. Other adoptions especially in the past were closed and an adoptee may have had to conduct a search to locate a birthparent. Once a birthparent has agreed to a meeting there are a few steps an adoptee can take to prepare and help things go smoothly.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Think about your expectations. Ask yourself if you are hoping to develop a relationship with your birthparent or just want to see who he or she is. Realize all your questions may not be answered especially with a first meeting.
2. Understand your birthparent may not have the same expectations as you. Wait until you meet before you start fantasying about a lifelong relationship.
3. Be realistic. Your birthparent is really a stranger. Some people have an instant bond when they first meet but most relationships take time to develop.
4. Get rid of stereotypes. You may have preconceived notions about your birthparent. Keep in mind people place a baby up for adoption for many reasons. Be aware your birthparent most likely felt they were doing what was best for you at the time.
5. Limit asking every question you have. You may want to know your birthparent's life story. However it may be too much for a birthparent to deal with and feel like an interrogation.

Tips & Warnings

• Talk to your adoptive parents. Although they may support your decision to meet your birthparent they may still need to hear you think of them as mom and dad.
• Consider keeping a journal about your thoughts regarding meeting a birthparent. Writing down your feelings may help you sort through the different emotions you have.
• Avoid hurtful remarks when you meet your birthparent. Work through feelings of anger before your meeting. Talk to a counselor who specializes in children who were adopted if needed. Negative comments especially in a first meeting will not do anyone any good.
• Don't take it personally if your birthparent is not receptive to future meetings. It may be hard to not feel rejected or disappointed. Keep in mind your birthparent may be afraid, ashamed or dealing with reactions from other family members.