How to Tell Your Parents You're Gay

Your parents have known you for a long time. Naturally, they have formed certain impressions of you. When you tell them that you're gay, it is likely to be a dramatic and significant moment in your relationship, regardless of their past impressions. It may not be easy, but your sensitivity, dignity and patience with them may help take your relationship to a new level of honesty in the future.

Difficulty:

Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Accept your own sexuality and make an active decision about who you want to tell, how you want to tell them and when and where to do so. Coming out to family and longtime friends is often an emotionally charged time. Your consideration for them should guide you to think about what kind of support they may need to help them process this information.

2. Prepare yourself to tell your parents by talking to someone else in their generation about it first. A little practice can help you focus on how you want to say things and when to be circumspect so that you don't overwhelm your parents with too much information.

3. Anticipate your parents' responses to what you will tell them. Even if they have prejudices or homophobic feelings, the most important thing that they need to hear--whether or not they realize it immediately--is that you are safe and that you are living your life in a careful and fulfilling way.

4. Allow your parents to ask you questions and tell you what they are thinking. Trying to anticipate their responses should not keep you from giving them a chance to have their own responses.

5. Give your parents time to accept the information that you share with them. Remember that it probably took you some time to come to terms with your sexuality. Even if a parent's first response disappoints you, allow your parents a chance to evolve.

6. Preempt gossip and triangulated communication among family members by understanding that other friends and family members may also be discussing the issue. Communicating directly with your parents puts the focus between you and them, where it should be.

Tips & Warnings

• If you are in a serious gay relationship, talk with your partner beforehand about telling your parents. Your partner will appreciate being in the loop and can help to support you through this time.

• Separate the personal from the political if you can. Coming out to your parents about the fact that you're gay should be about communication, not confrontation.

• Avoid playing your parents against each other, or letting them compete with each other, when you tell them that you're gay. Even if one of them appears to handle the information better at first, it is important that you make it clear to each of them that you love them and that you need support and love from each of them.