How to Banish Vampires in Romania

Vampire-slaying is not just a Hollywood cinematic tradition. In Romania, killing vampires is a long-standing, if illegal and little-mentioned, part of national culture. Vampires are those who have died, including unbaptized babies and unlucky souls who had a black cat jump over their coffin. Unfortunately, Romanian vampires feed exclusively on their relatives--oftentimes a majority of some village populations--causing them to fall ill. They must be stopped.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Exhume the corpse of the suspected vampire. If they are a true vampire, you will likely find them on their side--not on their back with folded arms, as they were left. They will not have decomposed, and their beards may have grown. You may find the corpse with a bloody mouth.

2. Remove the heart with a curved haying sickle.

3. Drive a wooden stake through its heart. This is done in part to hold the heart still as it burns. It will squeak like a mouse, and attempt to escape.

4. Burn the heart on an iron plate until nothing is left but ashes.

5. Mix the ashes with water, preferably from the local well.

6. Have those who have taken ill drink the mixture of ashes. They should return to health.

Tips & Warnings

• Ideally, you should prevent a vampire from returning at all. This is done by inserting a long sewing needle directly into the bellybutton before burial.
• Romanian vampires do not live in Hollywood. They can be seen in mirrors, have no reaction to garlic, and aren't affected by crosses (they were Roman Catholic before death, after all).

Resources

• Death rite unnerves Romanian EU bid
• In Romania, pre-emptive strikes on 'vampires'