How to Get a Girl to Break Up With You

Sometimes, particularly in long relationships, it's just impossible to end things. You want to break up, but your lives are so entwined you can't fathom it. You share friends, furniture and pets, and spend holidays with each other's families. It's all the more difficult because you break up with her, then everyone will think you're a loser. They'll think that because she'll tell them that. She doesn't actually believe it, but in the heat of passion, anything can happen (just ask O.J.). The way around it is getting her to break up with you. But to maintain your reputation and good name, you can't just go sleeping with her mother. Otherwise, you're back to square one. Here's how you go about it.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Misery
• A need for change
• Perseverance

1. Ignore her calls for a day. You guys are probably used to calling and texting a couple of times each day until you see each other after work. Don't answer her calls. Don't respond to her texts. It's not an entirely malicious move, even if it is entirely juvenile. She probably won't think much of it ... at first, anyway.
2. Come home late. Go out to eat with a coworker, go over to your parents house, but get home a little late. Not too late so she thinks you've been out boozing at strip clubs, but just after dinner. This way, she will have had to eat without you.
3. Act as you normally would when you see her. If you act aloof, then she'll start to piece everything together. Then, it will just turn into a fight and you'll make up, or you'll have to break up with her. We're trying to avoid that.
4. Go to bed early. Don't have sex before you do.
5. Go to work early the next day, preferably before she wakes up, and repeat step 1.
6. Use the, "Things have been busy" excuse. When you get home that night, she'll wonder (innocently) why you haven't answered your phone at work or called her back. She'll do this because she's concerned you're working too hard. Let her believe that's true despite your two-hour lunch and online Ms. Pac-Man tournament.
7. Forget something important about her life and/or don't comment on any changes she's made to her hair, attire or makeup.
8. Continue to be "present" when you see her while repeating the previous steps. She'll get annoyed after awhile, maybe three weeks or so, and want to talk. If there's a fight, say you'll work on it, and then don't. Keep your fingers crossed that she cheats on you with the guy who works for her, even though she won't.
9. Act a little bit shocked when she breaks up, but immediately accept it. It will be one of those "this just isn't working out" kind of talks. She'll cry and, hell, you might even. It's the end of era. But it's a clean end. She broke up with you, and there's no ill will felt on either part.
10. If steps 1-9 don't work, sleep with her mother.

Tips & Warnings

• Perseverance is key. This can take weeks, even months. Just continue to operate this way until it's kaput.
• If you've been together long enough, she may put up with this for awhile. If it's been three months, and nothing has happened, you might have to do the dirty work.
• Don't be a jerk. If you're a jerk throughout this process, she'll give her friends (i.e. your friends) constant updates, and you'll come off in the wrong no mater who breaks up with who. Not answering calls and not noticing things can be chalked up as "inattentive", which is more or less safe.
• Don't cheat on her (unless it's step 10). You'll never recover from that one.