How to Help your Teen deal with a Friend's Suicide

Unfortunately, teen suicide is a very real concern for your teenager. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), Suicide is the third leading cause of death, after accidents and homicide, in the 15 to 24 year old age group. If your child has not been touched in some way by suicide, it is very possible that at some point he or she will experience it in some way whether it is a friend who attempts or if they succeed. My family became well acquainted with teen suicide when my son's 16 year old friend killed himself just before Christmas in 2006. My son and his friend were planning on going out that Friday night. Instead, we attended his funeral. In this aftermath, I was left to help my own teenagers cope with this loss and make sense of something that has no rhyme or reason. My oldest son was 16 years old at the time and he was so upset. He and his friends rallied around each other to offer support. Several of them went to see the boy's father. They needed the reassurance and support of each other, the stability and empathy of friends who understand the feelings they were experiencing. I let him go. This is what I learned from our experience with helping your teen deal with a friend's suicide.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Let them Grieve
   
   It is hard to know what to say to your child when they experience the death of someone close to them, particularly if it is suicide. It is important to first understand what he or she is feeling. They will likely go through a variety of emotions, including grief. Some teens may feel guilt because they may feel that they should have 'seen it coming' and could have prevented it. Others may feel angry or confused or in shock. Some may even tell you that they feel nothing or no strong emotions at all. Believe it or not, all of these are very normal and appropriate. Make sure that your child knows, above all, that there is no right or wrong way for them to feel. Don't 'expect' them to feel or react in a certain way, do not pressure them to cry or be sad. On the other hand, do not push them to 'suck it up' and act like nothing happened. Give them time and room to grieve in their own way.
2. Try a Grief Counselor
   
   Sometimes it helps to allow your teen to talk to a grief counselor to help them deal with what they are feeling. Sometimes it is tough to sort out all the emotions. Their school or your local church can help you find a grief counselor to talk to your child. This can be helpful because often people who are close to someone who commits suicide are literally blindsided by the event. They think about the last time they saw or talked to the person, the next time they were going to see them and they look for any indication that this was going to happen. The finality of it, realizing that that person will not talk to them again, joke with them, be with them can be overwhelming. Their room looks the same, their website or online profile may look like they just left it and the reality may not sink in. A good grief counselor can help with all these emotions and confusion.
3. Be there for Them
   
   Don't assume that your teen doesn't need you. While he or she may have friends and peers to offer support, they still need you, even if it is just to listen. The most important thing you can do is be there for your teen during this time. Let them remember the good times - and the bad. Let them laugh, let them cry and give them a safe place to experience all of their emotions. Many teens are expected to be "grown up" and to be able to "snap out of it" and this is unrealistic as well as inappropriate. Give your teen permission - and time - to mourn. Let them grieve, let them be angry, let them remember.
4. Encourage them to Talk to Others who knew the Person
   
   Sharing stories and memories with someone can be great therapy. Encourage your teen to talk to other friends who knew the person. Give them permission to laugh at funny stories and cry over the sad ones. Let them know that they will experience a roller coaster of emotions and it is OK to feel many different ways.
5. Create a webpage as a memorial
   
   Several sites such as Geocities and Bravenet offer free webhosting. Your teen can get a free website and create a page as a memorial to the person. They can have visitors post comments on the page, sign a guestbook, post links to sites that offer resources and they can celebrate the person's life. This can be great therapy and it can also be a great source of comfort for those who are experiencing loss in their lives.
6. Keep a journal
   
   Keeping a journal can be a great way to make sense of confusing emotions. Whether it is a locking diary, a pretty journal or a simple notebook, it is a way to record what you are feeling. Some people benefit greatly from writing down their feelings, some don't care for it. Let your teen know that he or she does not even have to write in complete sentences; the journal is just for their eyes, it is private.
7. Make a "Memories Box" or scrapbook
   
   A plain old shoebox will do for this. Let your teen decorate a box or scrapbook and fill it with items that remind them of the person. They can add notes, photos, funny stories, and mementos from good times that they had with the person. Any time that they miss the person, they can go through the box and remember.
8. Make a Photo Album of Memories
   
   Many times, when someone experiences the loss of someone close to them, they start to "forget" what the person looked like. This is normal, but it can be terrifying and even heartbreaking for the grieving person. Help your teen create a photo album with photos and mementos of the person they have lost. This can help them recall happy times.

Tips & Warnings

• Let your teen know there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel.
• Give your teen time and room to grieve.
• Listen more and talk less, but BE THERE for your teen.
• Find a good grief counselor if you see that your teen needs professional help in coping.
• Never tell your teen to "snap out of it" and move on. This does more harm than good.
• Don't pass judgment on the teen who committed suicide, especially in front of your teen. When you make statements about that person "going to hell" or being weak for killing himself or herself, you only create more conflict for your teen.
• Don't tell your teen to "move on" and forget their friend. Allow them to remember, but don't let them dwell. Get help if it gets too deep.
• Don't restrict your teen from going to the funeral if they want to go. By the same token, if they don't want to go, don't make them.