How to Understand Your Child's Misbehavior

Parenting has to be the most important--as well as one of the most difficult--jobs in existence. Children's misbehavior can drive parents crazy, especially when they can't seem to correct the misbehavior. It can help to remember that all behavior is a message. What is your child trying to tell you? Understanding the goals of misbehavior can help you curb bratty behavior and ultimately enjoy a stronger relationship with your child.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. One goal of misbehavior is attention-seeking. Think about how you feel when your child misbehaves. If you feel annoyed or irritated, attention-seeking may be your child's goal. Try ignoring the bad behavior (if possible) and giving your child attention when she behaves appropriately.
2. If you feel angry when your child misbehaves, power may be his goal. If this is the case, avoid fighting or giving in. Remove yourself from the conflict if at all possible. When you both are calm, encourage your child to discuss solutions to the problem in a constructive manner. Ideally, giving him some power in helping to come up with a solution to the problem will help him become less likely to seek power in less appropriate ways.
3. If revenge is your child's goal, you will probably feel hurt when she misbehaves. Remember that a child who wants to hurt you is feeling hurt herself. If this is the case, withdraw from the situation. Interact positively with your child in neutral situations. Establish logical consequences for the misbehavior.
4. Finally, escape or avoidance might be the goal. If this is the case, your child's misbehavior will probably lead to feelings of helplessness on your part. Often kids with the goal of escape have given up, and they need patience. Encourage your child, give him tasks you know he can do, and let him enjoy his successes.

Tips & Warnings

• Rudolph Dreikurs, an Adlerian psychiatrist, came up with the goals of misbehavior and the system of natural and logical consequences. His work and that of Alfred Adler, a social psychologist, form the foundation of many parent education programs. Their ideas are also useful in a classroom setting. See the Resources section below for more information.
• Natural consequences flow directly from the child's behavior. An example might be a child leaving her toys out in the rain, causing them to be ruined. Logical consequences are imposed by a parent or teacher; they are related to the behavior in question. For example, say the parent didn't want the toys to just get ruined out in the rain because they were expensive. The parent might bring the toys in, but decide that the child can't play with those toys for a couple of days because she wasn't responsible with them.