How to Talk to your Teenager

Love, patience, respect, diligence... you know: parenting. What? You thought it was going to get EASIER as you went on? It doesn't -- but a few careful strategies DOES make it positive and productive for everyone involved.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• love
• patience
• respect
• time

1. If they write a good essay, take the time and trouble to actually READ it and point out: “Nice vocabulary,” or “Excellent flow here; I couldn’t put it down.” Your teen or tween has suddenly morphed from someone who saw you as their favorite hero into a sullen, silent stranger to whom you are now the dorkiest geek on the planet. Now how do you connect with this lanky door-slammer?
   
   Remember that you are the parent. Everything positive you say is going to go through this filter: “You’re my mom/dad. You’re SUPPOSED to think I’m terrific” and will automatically be discounted as stupid and worthless. Therefore avoid generic statements, and instead be specific in your praise.
2. Be aware that if you tell a teenager NOT to do something, it practically compels them to do it, or at least plants an irresistible urge in them to do it. With that in mind, try to keep communications positive. For example, instead of laying down a curfew: “I want you in this house NO LATER THAN 11 p.m.!”
   
   Try negotiating a positive, mutually respectful plan together. “Let’s talk together about how late we feel comfortable about you being out. How does 10 sound? Okay, what about 11? Can we both live with 11? And if you’ll be later, you’ll call. If you don’t call, let’s talk together about consequences, because even adults have the respect for each other to touch base.”
3. Be as approachable as possible. You want to keep the lines of communication open, although you want to avoid a “best friend” relationship. Ensure that your teenager knows you are clearly not his or her friend; you have a more unique and special place in their life – you are their parent. You can be confided in, you are someone they can call in case of trouble – for instance, if they are at a party, there’s been drinking going on, and they are stuck – but that there WILL be consequences.
4. Explain that your teenager can call you in the middle of the night, no questions asked. That no scolding will occur at the time of crisis – and that the situation will be discussed later. It’s a delicate balance. You want your teenager to know there are rules – all kids need them – but you don’t want your teenager to be so afraid that they don’t call you for help when they need you. One way around this is an “amnesty zone” in times of trouble. For example, talk ahead of time about various scenarios, such as “What would you do if your date was too drunk to drive you home, or if you found yourself in some other awkward situation?”
   
   Explain that your teenager can call you in the middle of the night, no questions asked. That no scolding will occur at the time of crisis – and that the situation will be discussed later, when cooler heads prevail.
5. Keep regularly scheduled family dinners, even though the teenager may miss a few. Insist that your teenager perform regular household chores, just like everyone else, though you may lighten his or her Make sure your teenager feels as much a part of your family as possible. The teen years are when a developing adult begins to separate naturally, and to take on more independent responsibilities, including jobs, probably more challenging schoolwork, and a social network that takes place more and more away from home. The temptation is to give the teenager more and more freedom, which is good, but parents need also to connect the teenager with the homefront.
   
   Keep regularly scheduled family dinners, even though the teenager may miss a few. Insist that your teenager perform regular household chores, just like everyone else, though you may lighten his or her load, using your own judgment based on the big picture of the rest of their responsibilities. It’s important they feel they’re contributing to the family, even if it’s just taking out everybody’s garbage once a week.
6. Go the extra mile and find out what your teenager is reading, what they’re listening to, what they’re watching on TV, what they’re surfing to on the Internet. You don’t have to snoop – just inquire. You don’t have to try to be cool. You never will be more than a dork at this point – but your interest, despite their ridicule, will mean something to them.
7. Check out the New York Times Bestseller List and take the time to read a young adult novel. It will give you enormous insight into what’s going on inside teenager’s minds and hearts these days, and the writing is nearly always far superior to adult books, so you’re guaranteed to enjoy the book.
8. Spend time with your teen. Have lunch. Knock on the door and sit on the bed. You don’t have to worry about finding the right words. If it’s been a while since you’ve talked, don’t worry about filling a half an hour with small talk. Just pop in and say hi. Then do it again the next day. And again the next.
9. After a week, and another week, you’ll find yourself having more to say. Ask about his or her day. Tell them about yours. Treat them with the same respect you accord your co-workers, or your adult friends. You’ll be amazed at how your teenager will open up.