How to Worship Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Blight

On the heels of just having written an article on kitsch ("How to Recognize Kitsch"), it's only appropriate that we take a poke at one of the primary purveyors of turn-of-the-millenium kitsch: Thomas Kinkade. My first experience with the Kinkade McGalleries occurred when I saw a classified ad in the newspaper sometime back in the 1990s. They were looking for art gallery/store personnel. I remember at some point figuring out that this gallery was part of a chain that apparently sold works or reproductions from only one artist (or at least almost entirely of one artist), one of whom I'd never even heard--Kinkade of course. I found this very odd. Several years later, I saw an episode of 60 Minutes in which Kinkade worshippers were featured covering every wall of their home in his paintings, and I also found out that Kitschkade, I mean Kinkade's, "tag" is "Painter of Light" (hence the title).

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Cultivate your taste. If you prefer the song "Popcicles and Icicles" by the Murmaids to "Incense and Peppermints" by Strawberry Alarm Clock, you're on the right track. Prepare further by enjoying Hallmark Card verse, Care Bears, the Smurfs, Disney forgetabilia, Precious Moments, and above all else, the Bradford Exchange mail order worthless "crap"--I mean "lovely collectibles." The Franklin Mint never had it so good.

2. Attend the right church. Make sure you attend church regularly, or at least tell people that you do. It can't be just any old church, it has to be one of those big churches that's like a mall and the pastor is a guy who used to be involved in sex and drug orgies and theft until he suddenly found Jesus and told his parole officer so. Now he serves Christ by privately and discreetly counseling both men and women about orgies.

3. Navigate to the kinkade website. Click on the gallery locator. It's just like the locator for fast food restaurants. Enter your address and find the McGallery nearest you.

4. After having visited your local McGallery and maxed out your cards. Return to the website and join the oh-so-exclusive Collectors' Society. You might also want to purchase the Master Edition Snowman courtesy of Bradford Editions. They are "crafted of shimmering crystal, a three-dimensional Thomas Kinkade village is tucked cozily inside the crystal shell with a real working train that circles around the wooden base. His muffler, mittens and ornate lantern are lavished with a silvery finish, adding even more nostalgic appeal." Step aside Van Gogh, move out of the way Rembrandt, gangway Matisse! The nostaligic appeal isn't for you amateurs, it's for--well I'm not quite sure what it's for, but it's certainly quite some nostalgic appeal.

5. Censor "Modern" art. Since Kinkade is all the art anyone could possibly want for the rest of eternity, there's no use in having much other art around, especially modern art! There's all kinds of stuff that nobody knows what it looks like, and when you do finally recognize something it's usually a man's pee-pee, or worse yet a woman's private area. Your pastor will provide you with a "Kinkade Slayed Goliath" action kit for lobbying your representatives against groups such as the commie devil-worshipping ACLU.

Tips & Warnings

• Purchase the Kinkade tabletop collection of dishes and hold a Kinkade housewives' tea party. While the rest of the women on your block are drowning in filth with their adult toy parties, you can have a little slice of heaven among your Kinkadettes.
• Don't pay any attention to people who say things like "I've long given up on American fiction. It's mostly housewife-inspired Thomas Kinkade warm and fuzzy happy horse manure."

Resources

• Against My Better Judgment - Kinkade's Website

[betterbody]

on 8/4/2009 5 *s for an article that could be an entire routine for a traveling comedy group.

[midcenturymaven]

on 7/31/2009 I shared a plane ride once with an assistant of his. Newsflash- his assistants do most of the painting at this point. She informed me that she considered his work commercial art. I think that's why it looks its best as a puzzle or a Christmas ornament.

[0sara0]

on 1/28/2009 I don't see how blobs of white paint=art, or even how blobs of white paint=light. I've never liked his stuff, or his coffee mugs. I will now faithfully use the words McGallery & Kitschkade. Thanks for the laugh.