How to Fight Back Against Robots In the Workplace

Robots in the workplace are replacing human beings in alarming numbers. Here is how to fight back against job-stealing robots.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A taser
• Philosophy
• Fine sand
• Clever tactics
• Tesla Shield

1. The first thing you must do is realize that robots have strengths that human beings do not have, but then learn to use those strengths against our mechanical competitors. Remember, as a human being, you have millions of years of evolution on your side, whereas robots only have a few decades of development -- as a human being, you have an edge on robots!

2. Robots have highly advanced computer brains and are smarter than most humans, but this is actually an opportunity for you to sabatoge a robot co-worker. Try this: Send an e-mail to a robot in your office that says this: "Hi Zaxon-23: Think about this phrase: "This true statement cannot be proven to be true." Look forward to your answer! Thanks!"

3. The robot will start thinking about this paradoxical phrase. It will soon realize that the phrase, "This true statement cannot be proven to be true" is inherently contradictory. If the statement is true, than why cannot it be proven to be true? Does that mean it might be false? The result will be a malfunction in the electronic brain of the robot. It will start making a lot of mental errors as it tries to solve the problem, and it will eventually get fired. Your job is safe!

4. Certain robot models can be disabled by taser attack. The good part about this is that once you taser a robot, its memory will be erased, thus leaving no witness as to who attacked the unit. Wait until the robot is alone, say walking in dimly lit parking ramp, sneak up behind it and taser the daylights out of it. The robot's circuits will be scrambled and rendered useless. That's one less robot to worry about.

5. Many robots can be damaged by exposure to extremely fine-grained sand. Obtain some sand and sprinkle it in your target robot's work area. Fine sand can get lodged in between the joints of robots and cause all kinds of damage. They will need expensive repairs -- which is even more expensive than your company's health care plan for humans. High rates of robot repair reduce their value to employers.

6. When a robot is away from its computer, log on and use its computer to visit a number of robot porno sites. Then tip off your boss that you suspect the robot has been misusing company computers to view robot porn. Your boss can check the computer's net history -- and, bingo! -- they will discover robot porn site hits. The robot will get fired.

7. It's well known that robots don't need sleep, take lunch breaks, or even have to go home at night. They can work 24/7 nonstop. Yet, you can use this advantage against them. For example, remind your employer that robots suck a lot of energy, which statistically, is more expensive than food for human beings. Most robots suck more costly energy than humans because humans eat food, and robots eat electricity. So, sure, robots never need breaks, but they are a 24-hour drain on your employer's energy costs. Remind your boss of this.

8. Go to your favorite search engine and look up something called a Tesla Shield. This is a gizmo that you wear around your neck and it balances the human energy field to optimum advantage. The bonus is that the subtle electronic field the Tesla shield emanates sends many robots into fits of rage. This will cause your company's security team to spring into action. They will subdue the beserking robot with energy rods. The robot may get fired or receive a strong reprimand.

9. Another thing that works against robots are those devices which scare away rats with extremely high-frequency ultrasound waves. Similar to the action of the Tesla Shield, the ultrasound anti-rodent device will wreak havoc on the robot brain. Some robots will go beserk, while others will began to act in an irrational manner.

10. So you see, there are many good strategies to counter the rise of job-stealing robots in the workplace. Remember, you are in a battle for your survival as a species. We cannot allow robots to push aside the human race, and we can't let them steal our jobs, and eventually make all human beings obsolete.

Tips & Warnings

• It's a good idea to wacth the movie "Terminator." This will inspire you to act now against robots and prevent the bleek future of a robot dominated world where human beings are hunted down like cockroaches and snuffed out.
• Write to your Congressman or Congresswoman and express your fear that robots are gaining too much power in our society and economy.
• Technically, tasering a robot is a crime -- but it's only considered property damage, and not murder. The latter only applies to human beings, as for now. Still, when you taser a robot, make sure no one witnesses the event. It's only illegal if you get caught.

[psaysofavril]

on 1/24/2008 Very unique and well written!