How to Make the Police Come Quickly

We’ve all called 911 in the heat of an emergency only to sit and wait for the police to finally come. There are some surefire steps to make the police come quickly, but you have to execute them with finesse in order for them to work.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Finesse
• Telephone
• Calm demeanor
• Ability to lie
• Ability to apologize for lying

1. Call 911 and tell them there’s an emergency: you think someone’s been shot. If that’s just too outlandish for you when there clearly has been no shooting, proceed to Step 2.
2. Tell them you think there’s the threat of someone getting shot. If that’s still a little over the top, go to Step 3.
3. Tell them you’re pretty sure there’s a gun involved. This scenario is pretty believable in many situations, from a home invasion to a car parked illegally in your driveway. You can say the car might have been stolen because the lock looks tampered with and there’s something that could be a gun on the front seat.
4. If the gun reference just doesn’t work, drop other police jargon that makes them react quickly. This includes phrases like “aggravated assault,” “child in peril” and “convicted felon.”

Tips & Warnings

• Phrases that will make police come slower than usual include: “I call every time someone sneezes and you guys take so long to get here,” “My neighbor hates me but that’s not why I’m calling the police on him,” and “It’s not really an emergency so I don’t know why I’m calling you.”
• The quickest way to get police your way is to say an officer has been shot, but don’t use that one unless it really happened. That’s just mean.
• Beware of the consequences of lying to police. It’s against the law. That’s why it’s imperative to say YOU THINK someone’s been shot. You can always apologize later by saying you panicked and were mistaken.
• You can’t talk your way out of a whole “someone’s been shot” scenario if you include details like the guy is bleeding on the sidewalk only to have police show up to find no body or even no blood.
• Remaining anonymous could get you out of the lying thing but it also could slow down the police coming. You know how many anonymous calls they get every night?