How to Stop Yelling at Your Child

Many parents yell--and for many different reasons. Frustration, annoyance, lack of sleep, isolation, and plain old anger can cause parents to go off the deep end. Yelling, however, rarely serves as a productive way of getting your child to listen. Children often only hear the yell, not what is being said, and will tune the angry parent out immediately. There are more effective methods of getting your child to listen, which will also help your child maintain her respect for you. It won’t be easy, at first. The more you trade in your yelling habits for a softer and more cerebral technique of parenting, the easier it will become. Read on to learn more.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• A room where you can “get away”
• Books, games, crayons and paper, a television set
• Quick and easy meals
• A friend or close family member to talk to
• A comfortable couch for sitting and talking

1. Leave the room. If you feel yourself beginning to feel that rush of anger, take a step back. Get yourself physically away from your child, even if it’s just to step into the bathroom. While you’re away, count to ten--slowly. Breathe deeply. Once you feel as if the anger has dissipated, go back to your child and, as calmly as possible, let him know why you were so upset with him. Inform him of your expectations of him, and, if necessary, decide what you should do about the situation – together. Your child might surprise you, and come up with a real, workable solution to the problem. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and let him speak.
2. Take time for yourself. No one can be with small children all day long and keep their patience level on an even keel. If you’re in a situation where you have had no rest for a long period of time, and you feel like you’re getting close to your boiling point, just take a break. Do whatever you can to get that time to yourself. Occupy your child with a book, or coloring. Turn on the TV, or put in a movie, if you have to. It’s worth it, to allow you to be alone with your own thoughts, in silence, with no activity around you. Try to take a half an hour, or even 15 minutes, and just sit and think, or listen to some soothing music. When you get back to your regular parenting routine, you’ll feel refreshed and much more patient.
3. Allow yourself some short-cuts. If your day has been building up, and you’re tired and cranky, have something on hand for dinner that you can just pop in the oven. You don’t have to cook from scratch every night--allow yourself these easy “outs,” on days that are particularly difficult. Leave the laundry for tomorrow, if possible. Don’t worry about the vacuuming. The world won’t end if your house is a little messy. Just give yourself a break, and breathe a little.
4. Sleep. If you’re like most parents, you are piteously lacking in this area. Lack of sleep can be the hardest thing for a parent to overcome. When you’re overly tired, you lack judgment, patience, and energy--a deadly combination for someone who has to entertain and placate a child. Try to go to bed earlier, or take naps, if possible. If your child still naps, take a nap while she does. Forget the housework that you were going to do, and sleep. It will be there for you later, when you are more rested and ready to take care of it.
5. Call a friend, or invite someone over. Being with other adults can make a huge difference, in terms of how you feel about your situation. If you’re feeling particularly lonely, call a friend or close family member and talk out your feelings. The more you talk, the better you’ll feel. You might even be able to solve the issue while you talk out loud, which will help you in your interactions with your child. If the person you call is a parent herself, it might make you feel that much better, especially since she is able to empathize with you from her direct experience.
   
   If you can, invite someone over to visit. The presence of a third, or even fourth party, can help quell any bad feelings you and your child have been harboring. If you can invite someone who has a child as well, it will make it easier for you to chat with your friend, while your child plays with his.
6. Give your child a break. Realize that he is only a child, and does not have the capacity that you do to recognize appropriate behavior at all times. Children like to take their time, are easily distracted, are curious in nature, and can be stubborn and willful when it comes to something they want. Take a step back, and really look at your child. Notice how sweet her face is, how young she is, how much she needs to learn. Try and think of yourself as her teacher, not her adversary, and behave accordingly. She’ll respect you that much more for it, and you’ll find that your relationship with her is closer and deeper.

Tips & Warnings

• Try out the “talking couch.” Instead of losing your temper and shouting, “Go to your room!” try sitting down together – maybe after you’ve taken a moment--and talking over what just happened. Let him talk, too, with you being a good listener. If you can talk it through and come up with some kind of solution, the outcome will be much more beneficial than if you lost your temper and yelled, not allowing him to have his say. And think of the lesson this teaches him about solving problems and addressing issues that might come up in his life. He’ll most likely be much more apt to deal with the stresses and conflicts in his life in other areas.
• If you yell too much, take a good, hard look at yourself. Might you have anger issues? Do you “see red,” and find yourself unable to calm down or walk away from the situation? Do little things set you off, and do you find yourself blaming your child for your behavior? If so, you might want to talk to a therapist. There might be a deeper reason for your anger, which will only escalate unless you get some help. Determine whether or not your yelling is just a “normal” reaction by a harried and tired parent, or if there is something else going on.