How to Prepare to Be a Stepparent

You’re in love and everything is perfect. Well close to perfect—except that he has two children from a former marriage who visit every other weekend and two months in the summer. You have two children who live with you half the time, unless their Dad is away on business, and then the schedule changes. You like kids so you think, “why not?” and you take the plunge. That’s when you find that you may be in over your head. Most couples enter stepparenting blindly, unaware of the pitfalls and difficulties ahead. No one is equipped in advance for the roller coaster of emotions that accompany the blending of families. From ex-spouses, to his kids, your kids, the in-laws and ex-in-laws, it’s a whirlwind of complexities. While I have no intention of sugarcoating the stepparenting experience, the process can be slightly easier if you prepare before you combine your households.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Acknowledge the reality of your situation. Stepparenting is difficult and being a stepchild is difficult. No one really likes it. Since the kids had no vote in the situation, they are likely to be leery of you. That’s the reality you are choosing. His kids aren’t thrilled that you are in the picture. Your kids aren’t excited with the prospect of sharing you. There’s a web of emotions from anxiety, anger, fear, grief and guilt influencing every action. You will be impacted by it all.
2. Open your heart and cultivate compassion. A ten-year-old boy told me that no matter where he sleeps he is always missing someone, “If I am at my dad’s, I miss my mom,” he said, “And when I’m with my mom, I’m missing my dad.” Compassion is the ability to understand a stepchild’s experience and to empathize with his pain. Many kids are not able to express pain clearly; they cover it up with anger or indifference, but don’t let appearances fool you. Accepting a parent’s new spouse is not automatic. A child feels disloyal to the other parent and may direct his anger and sadness at you. If you are willing to feel compassion for his anguish, your heart will naturally open as you empathetically relate to the suffering they have already gone through and the confusion they must be feeling. When your heart is open, love will flow more freely and that will be good for everyone in your household.
3. Give up your dream of the perfect family. Many of our images of the perfect family come from television. From "Leave it to Beaver" to "Family Ties," these images of parents who love each other well and communicate perfectly, and kids, who despite squabbles get along and obey their parents, are powerful. Such images shape our ideas of how family life should be. The nuclear family unit is a potent archetype, which means it is locked into our unconscious and we strive for it. A stepfamily is a complex unit that seldom matches our ideal. When you give up wishing that it could match your dream of the perfect family unit, everyone feels less pressure and can lighten up. Every family has its own difficulties and beauty. By giving up on an image of how it should be, you take a giant step toward making it as good as it can be.
4. Be realistic about your role. You may be in the position to be a stepparent, but remember that this child standing before you already has a mother or a father, whom, for the most part, they still wish would live together. Every stepparent I have spoken to, no matter their circumstances, said the same thing—as long as they tried to be their stepchild’s mother or father and expected the love the “real” mother or father would receive—they were disappointed. But if they were willing to give up that particular role and listen for what the child might have needed or wanted from them, they were able to forge a relationship that worked. And sometimes it can develop into something as precious as parenthood.
5. Create a flexible identity for yourself. No one can step into a family and become an instant parent. So if you can’t take on the role of parent, who can you be? That is the question you must answer. Humor really helps here. Will signed his cards, notes and presents to his stepdaughter, “From the man who ruined your childhood,” which is what she claimed he had done. Now that she is an adult with children of her own, they still laugh about it and she tells him that his lighthearted humor and acceptance of her mixed feelings made it possible for her to find a place in her heart for him.
6. Bridge the identity gap without freaking out. Bridging the gap between how the kids view you and how you’d like to be seen starts by receiving unpleasant news without freaking out. When Adam told his stepmom, “I can’t stand you,” she kindly responded with, “You don’t have to like me if you don’t want to, but I am trying to like you anyway.” Because she took the news with a calm acceptance, six months later they were on friendly terms.
7. Focus on this truth: Your identity doesn’t depend on what the kids call you or how they treat you, but rather on how you behave toward them. If you remember this, then you’ll be on the right track.