How to Develop Functional Friendships After Child Abuse

People who have grown up in a dysfunctional family often gravitate toward other people with similar experiences. As a result, a survivor of child abuse might find that her friendships tend to be dysfunctional. She might wonder if she is destined only to have dysfunctional relationships throughout her life. The short answer is no. As a survivor of child abuse heals and becomes more functional, she will develop more functional friendships.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Heal from your dysfunctional past. There is a reason for the saying, "Birds of a feather flock together." Until you heal from your past, you will continue to be drawn toward other people who are as broken as you are. Dysfunctional people are not capable of having functional relationships. Until you become functional yourself, you will not enter into a functional friendship with a functional person.

2. Set relationship boundaries. Most survivors of childhood abuse have a hard time setting boundaries in their relationships with other people. They fear saying no to others, which draws people who want to take advantage of them. Learning how to say no and stand up for yourself is the key to having a functional relationship with another person.

3. Love yourself. One of the biggest challenges for survivors of child abuse is learning how to love themselves. Until you love and accept yourself, you are not going to attract other people who love themselves. People who love and accept themselves make the best functional friends.

4. Engage in activities in which you will meet other people with similar interests. For example, if you love to read, join a book club. If you enjoy exercising, join a gym where you will meet other people with a similar interest. By coming together with a common interest, you will meet people with whom you have something positive in common.

5. Be the friend you hope to have. If you want a friend who is honest, be honest. If you want a friend who respects your boundaries, then respect other people's boundaries.

6. Follow your intuition. It is easy for a child abuse survivor to feel comfortable around a dysfunctional person because dysfunctional relationships seem normal. If your intuition is telling you that a relationship is not good for you, then listen to it.

7. Weed your friendship garden. Periodically, weed out friendships that no longer meet your needs. Analyze the pros and cons in investing in each friendship, and decide where you want to focus your energy. You do not have to end a friendship when you weed your friendship garden: Just stop spending as much time with that person.

Tips & Warnings

• The most important step is the first one. As you heal from your past, you might find that developing more functional friendships happens naturally.