How to Toilet Paper a House

Its one of the most effective ways to seek vengeance. It used to be retribution for unflattering rumors, a bad grade or an easy girlfriend. But don't think the old "toilet paper tangled in the trees" trick had to stop with high school. Got a tyrannical landlord? An overbearing boss? An easy girlfriend (some things never change)? If they've made your life hell, do the same to them, if only for one painful day of TP cleanup.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Single-ply toilet paper
• A good arm
• A moderate level of immaturity

1. Buy single-ply toilet paper--the cheapest stuff available. There are a couple of reasons for this. There is no sense breaking the bank for vengeance, otherwise, they win. Second, it dampens quickly in the early-morning dew and clings to the trees (or house or car) better than double-ply (i.e., harder to clean). There is a double-ply school of thought, but don't be fooled.
2. Wait until about 3:00 a.m. Most people think 2:00 a.m. is a good time to act, but there's a chance night owls could still be awake. Also, REM sleep is deepest, so there's less chance the victim will be roused if they're asleep. And we all know REM isn't acheived until at least 3:00 a.m. That's speculation, but good speculation.
3. Unravel about 12 inches (three squares) of toilet paper. You'll want some extra hanging to make for a good arc.
4. Grab the roll with the three squares still loose, resting above your knuckles.
5. Throw the toilet paper. Find a tree and throw the toilet paper high and out. The loose-hanging TP allows the roll to gradually stream behind the flying hygnienic paper. As the roll arcs over the tree, it will leave a ribbon of single ply in the branches. It's the bow to your toilet paper's vengeful little present.
6. Repeat step 5 until the toilet paper is gone. You'll notice each throw expends about half the roll. So, it will typically take two throws to finish one roll. To make it worth your time, you'll need to throw a minimum of six rolls. Ten rolls is ideal. If you throw 20 and get away with it, you'll likely reach nirvana.
7. Run.

Tips & Warnings

• Dress in dark colors.
• If you have to drive, park at least a block away, and around a corner.
• If they lack trees, get creative. Throwing over the house is good, but you get less bang for you buck: Cleanup is easier, and it requires more TP. Wrapping a car is good. Covering individual bushes is better.
• Don't yell and scream. You'll be excited, reliving your youth while enforcing Hammurabi's Code. Still, wait to celebrate at home. You'd hate to have to run early.
• Don't get too caught up in the intricacies of it. You want it messy, but more importantly, you want it quick. It will be a hassle to clean regardless, so survival is key.
• This is punishable to the fullest extent that the law dictates.