How to Teach a Child to Apologize

You may think it's only two little words and, if your child is just saying "I'm sorry" because he has to, it may be true. Apologizing for wrongdoing is never easy--even for adults--but actually understanding what it truly means to apologize is the hard part for children. There's a lot of foundation work that needs to be done to teach a child to apologize with sincerity.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

Build the Foundation With Younger Children

1. Call attention to situations in which an apology is necessary. Young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, live a very egocentric existence and don't connect their actions to other children's reactions. Gently explain to your child that what he has said or done has hurt another person's body, property or feelings and that he needs to check to make sure the person is okay.

2. Walk your child through an apology. Telling a child to say "I'm sorry" is meaningless unless she understands the concept behind the words. At first it may merely be a matter of having her repeat the words after you before you move up to asking her to say them independently. For example:
   
   "It made you cry when I took your toy. I'm sorry you are sad. How can I make it better?"

3. Apologize to your child when you are in the wrong. Nothing is more powerful as a teaching tool than the art of modeling the behavior you expect to see. Make sure to tell your child you are sorry when you have done something wrong, making sure to use words that indicate you accept the responsibility for your own actions. Try sentences like:
   
   "I'm sorry that I yelled at you. I was frustrated and it was wrong of me. I will try not to do it again."

4. Provide your child a concrete way to amend for his error. It can be as simple as helping his friend rebuild the block tower he knocked over or drawing a picture to replace the one he scribbled over. The point is to make sure he knows that problems aren't always solved just by saying the words "I'm sorry."

Teach Older Children to Apologize

5. Expect more from your older child. By this time she should know the basic concept behind an apology. Thus, she should not be able to get away with quickly mumbling the two magic words and moving on.

6. Teach older children that a true apology always needs to include a description of the wrongdoing, an explanation as to why it was wrong and a request for forgiveness. For instance:
   
   "I'm sorry I took money from your wallet. I should have asked first and respected your property. I hope you will forgive me."

7. Avoid insisting upon an apology. The unfortunate truth is that we are not always sorry for the things we do and neither are our children. Insisting they apologize only serves to teach that saying "I'm sorry" is a sort of get-out-of-trouble free card.

8. Look for higher-level amends. Learning to apologize means learning to take responsibility both for your actions and the consequences thereof. A broken window needs to be fixed or paid for, a lost earring should be replaced and hurt feelings need to be acknowledged in a genuine manner.

Tips & Warnings

• The tone of voice a child uses is as important as his words. Demonstrate the difference to your child so he knows that an apology can sound insincere if his tone is unpleasant.

[joan-m]

on 9/21/2008 this article should be also called "how to teach your boyfriend to apologize"

very good one! thank you.

[meggmary]

on 3/16/2008 Very true!