How to Deal with Domestic Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships

When most people think of domestic violence, they picture a man battering a woman and occasionally a woman hitting a man. But domestic abuse occurs at the same rate in gay and lesbian relationships as heterosexual ones--and it's often not taken seriously by family and law enforcement officials. It's real and it can harm or even kill you.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Recognizing Abuse

1. Understand the meaning of domestic violence. It is any type of abusive behavior done in an effort to seek or maintain control.
2. Know that the abuse doesn’t have to be physical. Though it may take the form of physical violence or sexual assault, it can be emotional or present itself as social or financial control. Jealousy, controlling behavior, isolation and demanding sex with no regard for one’s partner are all signs of an abusive personality.
3. Realize that threatening to “out” a closeted partner is a form of domestic abuse specific to gay and lesbian relationships.

Getting Out

4. Tell someone. Once a close friend or family member knows the situation, the abuse will no longer be a secret and you’ll be more motivated to leave.
5. Seek therapy to plan a safe exit strategy and to fortify yourself emotionally for what may be a difficult departure.
6. Contact safe houses in your area if you think you need to go underground for a time, but know that most are not educated in the area of gay and lesbian domestic violence.
7. Write down and keep handy local law enforcement contact information in case things go badly when or after you leave. If you think there may be violence upon leaving, have someone be there with you.

After You Leave

8. Do not go back no matter how remorseful your former partner appears.
9. Continue therapy to unlearn those coping mechanisms that were necessary in the abusive relationship, but will hamper a future, healthy one.

Tips & Warnings

• If you have children, leave the relationship immediately if any violence occurs.