How to Stay Connected to Your Children

In this day and age, it’s easy to get caught up in the stresses of daily life, and therefore lose some of the more important aspects of living, such as interacting and connecting with your family. If you’ve had a lousy day, the last thing on your mind might be to sit down and talk to your children. Most likely, you instead want to disappear into a hot shower or bath, watch TV, or gaze off into space while listening to your favorite music. Unfortunately for many, those stressful days are more common than not, and so it may be easy to lose touch with those whom you love the most. And so, too, your children might be feeling their own anxieties and worries, and might want to disappear into their own world for a few hours. While it is important to give one another space, it’s also just as important to communicate and exchange ideas and thoughts. In this way, you can maintain a close, loving connection with your children.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• An hour or so of time per day
• A large cork board with thumbtacks and paper, or a large pad of paper and an easel
• A magic marker

1. Discuss the need for family meetings with your children. Try to hold the meetings twice a week, either during the week or on the weekend, depending on your schedule. Make sure that the times you decide upon are good for everyone. Once you’ve all agreed on these times, stick to them. Establish where your meetings will take place, and what will be discussed. When you begin the meetings, write down some proposed discussion topics on a piece of paper so that everyone can see them. Take turns being the meeting "chairperson," so that each of your children have a chance to bring the meeting to order, and to be the "scribe." This will help them become more involved and interested in the meeting process.
   
   Have your children come up with topics or issues of their own to bring to the meeting. Some discussion topics might be household issues, personal issues, homework, dinner, TV time, bedtime changes, curfew, and anything else you can think of that would be pertinent for your family. Make some ground rules, including:
   
   • Only one person at a time can speak. You can have a chance to respond to someone once they are finished.
   • Anyone who wants to speak may have a turn.
   • You must respect each person’s point of view – no criticizing, name-calling, or joking at someone else’s expense.
   • If an issue appears to be going nowhere and is causing friction, let it rest and bring it up again at another meeting.
   • The meeting should end on a positive note, with the family acknowledging their love for one another in some way.
   
   After discussing each issue or topic, try and come up with some solutions, and write them down on the same paper you are using for the meeting. If there are any questions or concerns regarding that particular issue, you'll have it in writing, and can go back to review it again if necessary.
2. Eat dinner together. Sometimes your schedule might now allow this, but try and do it anyway, whenever you can. Sit down at the table, have plates of food laid out so that you don’t have to get up for seconds, and just talk. It might be a little stilted at first, if you’re not used to it. You might find that you don’t have much to say. That’s okay. In time, you will. And even if there are nights when you all just sit and eat in silence, you are still connecting in a profound way. Eating together for at least one meal per day helps you to feel closer as a family, and will get your children to talk to you about things that happened to them that day in a way that nothing else can. And you might find yourself opening up to them, too.
3. Tuck your children in at night. Even if they’re teenagers, you can peek in to say good night. It helps them feel secure, and adds to the power of the ritual or routine, which makes any child happy and safe. Spend as much time as you can with them before they hit the hay. If your child seems like he doesn’t want to talk, then just say good night and give him a kiss or hug before you leave his room. But if he seems open to you, then stay and talk with him. Bedtime is a good opportunity to connect, because you’re winding down, relaxing more than at any other time of day. Bedtime is great for those fun, intimate discussions, and can be a great occasion for playful banter, or quiet affection.
4. Play with your child. Play is a powerful tool for togetherness, and will bring you and your child closer. Let her choose something that she would like to do. If she wants to go out and shoot some hoops, then do that with her. If she wants to sit and draw, or ride her bike, or play a board game, then do it. Playing anything with your child, on her terms, will let her know you respect and care about her, and that you like to spend time with her. Your children will be much more willing to open up to you, if you play with them.

Tips & Warnings

• In your family meetings, it might help to have a “talking stone,” or some other object, which is held by the person who has the floor. This helps solidify the rule about one person talking at a time, because if someone has the “talking stone,” then no one can say anything until it is relinquished. In this way, you ensure that there are not interruptions – (or at least, the interruptions are lessened somewhat!)
• Going on a long road trip? Try talking with your child in the car. For some reason, the car can elicit some pretty good discussions. Your child might open up to you a whole lot easier here than anywhere else. Perhaps because he doesn't have to maintain eye contact. Perhaps because of the close proximity. Whatever the reason, don't question or forswear the power of the automobile, and drive your way to a good conversation.
• When you enter your house at the end of the day, try to shake off any external issues you might be bringing home to your family. It might be difficult to forget the problems of the day, but there is a danger in taking out your frustrations on family members, so as hard as it may be, leave your workday attitudes and dilemmas where they belong – at work.