How to Be A Hermit

This is a very worthwhile article about how one becomes a hermit. It covers all the finer points of hermiting, from coping with boring conversations with yourself, to improving your chances of getting some action. Hermiting is a great and wonderful lifestyle choice. I'm certain more people would make it, if they only knew how.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Yourself!

1. Unplug!
   Unplug your internet connection. Unplug your phone (land line, that is). And unplug your cable box. Unplugging is the crucial first step to hermiting, and it means that you have seriously committed to being without the intruding, and deafening noise of the media obsessed, culture-in-over-drive world of ours. You can do it!
2. Drop kick your cell phone!
   Cell phones are nothing more than nature's way of saying, you are worthless. You can't live without other people. Well, nature is wrong. You are strong. You are able to think your own thoughts and be your own person. Take that, nature.
3. Find a wooded grove!
   Here, in the depths of the forest, talk to chipmunks and grubs. Feel the earth move. Sleep on bare ground. Realize how bad you really can smell without a bath for three weeks. Nuts. Berries. How come no one ever told you this is all the food you need to (barely) exist. Ahh, solitude.
4. Alternate Step 3: Find a Desert Island!
   Here we will get to know the limitless ocean, which, surprisingly, focuses the mind with the clarity of a martini glass. You will feel the sun, the sand, with none of those annoying cabana boys running up to with with warm Negro Modelos. Here is peace at last.

Tips & Warnings

• Bring salt!
• If you suffer from mental illness, please don't try this. I don't want to be sued.