How to Give Creative Consequences

Your teenage daughter stayed out past curfew, your 15-year-old son cut classes and the counselor called to let you know that he is flunking in math. Your neighbor called to say that they saw your 16-year-old smoking outside the movie theater, when you thought she was spending the night with a friend. So what’s a parent to do? Lecture, scold, criticize? Ground the teen for a week, a month or a year? Take away the computer, the cell phone, or assign endless chores? Sometimes handing out quick consequences may get the teen's initial attention, but if you’ve used those tactics so many times that they are losing their impact, or if your teen’s behavior isn’t improving, it’s time to be more creative.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Imagination
• Creative thinking
• A twinkle in your eye

1. Consider this question: Are the consequences you are about to dole out teaching or punishing? Punishment tells the teen what not to do, but it doesn't tell him or her what to do instead. Creative consequences give guidance about handling the situation in the future. Creative consequences are opportunities to learn about life and choices. Creative consequences boost self-esteem rather than tear it down.
2. Drop criticism and lectures. Most criticism is unnecessary. Most lectures are not helpful. Criticism and lectures create anger, resentment and breed revenge. When a teen is constantly criticized or lectured about how he/she messed up, he/she learns to condemn himself/herself and then they develop the habit of finding fault with others, including parents.
3. Creative consequence are the ones that help the teen figure out what to do to correct the situation. For example, when Andy failed his math test, his father was worried, but instead of grounding him until his grades were brought up, he called Andy in for a conversation about what needed to happen. During the discussion the father focused on one issue: What can be done to help you pass your math class?
4. When a teen messes up, it is time to help. Memorize this sentence and use it when your teen messes up: “We’ve got a problem here; let’s find a solution." Do not assign blame or threaten with consequences. Say to your teen, "You will figure it out and I will help you."
5. Encourage open dialogue. As parents, our role is to teach teens how to think through the choices they are making. If we are yelling, freaking out or delivering threats and unproductive consequences, they can’t think about what they might have done differently. When 15-year-old Angie got arrested for shop-lifting, her mother didn’t know what to do and told Angie, “I’m confused about how this happened?” That sincere yet short sentence got Angie’s attention and lead to an open dialogue. Angie reflected about what had triggered the incident and shared with her mother how embarrassed and sorry she was. “I know you’re learning what you need to learn and I trust you never to do this again.” Angie was assigned community service by the judge and a paper entitled, “What I learned from shop lifting” by her mother.
6. Here is one creative consequence that you might like to try: Grounding means that you expect the teen to work alongside you pulling weeds and planting flowers. When you are done, you both will feel a sense accomplishment--you cooperated and got the job done. There is something magical about working close together--it puts things in perspective.
7. Keep incidents in perspective. In handing out creative consequences, remember that a minor mishap should not be treated like a major catastrophe. Skipping class is not dropping out. Coming home late does not mean becoming delinquent.