Step1
OUT OF SIGHT. OUT OF MIND.
Not exactly true, but your scrumptious little cupcake will definitely be ON your mind if make a point to see its rainbow sprinkled perfection whenever possible.
For those of you who don't have a choice in the matter (co-worker, classmate, etc.), you should learn their routines (on the off chance that you don't already have it carved under your eyelids) and avoid coming in contact with them when you are given the choice.
Step2
WRITE (DO NOT RECITE OUT LOUD) A LIST OF ALL THEIR FLAWS
Sure, the person is yummy in too many ways, but they're obviously not right for you if they make you feel like....to put it nicely....doo doo.
So, put on your mean face, curl your lip, beat your chest like King Kong, snarl angrily, and write down all the reasons why it just wouldn't have worked out between the two of you. Perhaps they have a hairy butt that you've possibly overlooked since their charming smile made you forget the fact that humans even have rumps to begin with? Write it down.
Remember...that one time they...and that annoying way they....yeah.
Be ruthless. Take no prisoners. You now have permission to be the biggest jerk you can be.
Step3
DON'T BE A JERK
Now that you've written their flaws down on paper, resist the urge to tell it to them in person or via email, phone, etc.
oh. Believe me. I know this one's a hard one to follow, but acting like a jerk only shows insecurity on your part. Jealousy and envy stem from insecurity and one should never act on this emotion. ever.
Come on.
You're better than that.
Step4
LIST ALL THE BADASS THINGS ABOUT YOU
Contrary to popular belief or what your heart may be saying, you don't need anyone to complete you. Utter poop. Yeah, everyone needs companionship of some kind, but its not like you're this naked torso dragging itself about looking for a pair of legs and a head....not to mention some clothes.
Unless you fall under the category of serial killer or something equally psychotically wrong, you've got a lot of awesome qualities you could write down about yourself.
Get conceited. You're wonderful. Excellent. Awesome. Gorgeous. Those who reject you are, to put it quite simply...butt-face imbeciles.
Heck, even a serial killer might be a kick-ass piano player with knack for opening pickle jars. Sure, he might use a chain saw to do it, but he's absolutely wonderful at it.
Step5
LOOK AT ALL THE WONDROUS OPTIONS!
You may be too depressed to see it, but there's a plethora of delightfully tasty options out there that are not only better for you than that bag of oily potato chips, but far more substantial.
Although potato chips are ridiculously addictive, they leave one feeling unsatisfied, gross, and quite possibly...fat.
The person out there for you is more like the amazingly fresh and finger-licking dish that leaves you happy, confident, guilt-free, and completely satiated. Once this flavorful fantasy is on your menu, you'll never go back to that greasy bag of shame again. Why would you? This new dish has all the tastiness and none of the calories.
Step6
KEEP BUSY
When you're lounging on the couch starring blankly at the walls, what often happens? Boredom, baby, that's what. And what does boredom lead to? Well, a lot of things, but one of them is hunger. Hunger for foods that aren't good for you and that you know you can't have.
What happens when you think about something you can't have?
Bad things, bud. Anger, depression, and sometimes...pure childish insanity.
Now if you don't wish for this to happen to you, keep yourself occupied doing things that require your full-attention. Clean, watch a funny movie, look pictures of good looking celebrities on the internet that look nothing like that nummy piece of pie you're now allergic to, draw, write, sing, dance...any good clean activity that'll take your mind off things related to love and relationships of that nature.
Basically, get a new hobby and make yourself so damn interested in other things that you'll move from an unhealthy obsession to a healthier one.
Not to mention you'll be pretty damn interesting too.
Step7
JUST LET IT GO.
It's expected that you feel hurt and depressed, but don't become a pathetic putz.
You're allergic to your favorite dessert. Okay. You can't eat it anymore. It is what it is. Move on.
Whoever this person was, they can't change their feelings. If someone was in love with you and you didn't feel the same way about them, you'd know there's nothing that person could do to MAKE you love them.
You just don't feel that way about them. It wasn't meant to be. End of story.
Same goes for you. Don't sit around pissing and moaning forever. Although it feels good the first couple times, it makes you feel bad in the long run, annoys those around you, and only intensifies your obsession with the person you're hung up on.
Step8
PATIENCE, YOUNG GRASSHOPPER.
Instant gratification is great, but in this case you're just gonna have to let time do the healing.
Yeah, it blows, but sadly...there's really no getting out of it faster.
Comments
CCrock said
on 1/8/2008 great article! Amusing, true and with good insite!
acopro13 said
on 1/7/2008 Terrific! Good yet also amusing advice for the heartbroken!
acopro13 said
on 1/7/2008 Terrific! Good yet also amusing advice for the heartbroken!
Blackbear said
on 1/6/2008 Very funny, true, and intelligent article!