How to Get Over Someone

Dealing with unrequited love is like going on a diet.

Well...it's actually more like suddenly discovering you're allergic to a food you desperately adore and getting a full body rash whenever you're in a 50 ft. radius of the stuff.

Beautiful.

Now, let's say that special someone you're pining after is the delicious delicious food you constantly crave. Well then, I guess that would make you the miserable, confused, love-starved dip-wad, wouldn't it?

No worries.

With time and a little willpower, you'll kick those nasty cravings in the keister and be well on your way to a happier times.

Right.


Let's do this thing.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. OUT OF SIGHT. OUT OF MIND.
   
   Not exactly true, but your scrumptious little cupcake will definitely be ON your mind if make a point to see its rainbow sprinkled perfection whenever possible.
   
   For those of you who don't have a choice in the matter (co-worker, classmate, etc.), you should learn their routines (on the off chance that you don't already have it carved under your eyelids) and avoid coming in contact with them when you are given the choice.

2. WRITE (DO NOT RECITE OUT LOUD) A LIST OF ALL THEIR FLAWS
   
   Sure, the person is yummy in too many ways, but they're obviously not right for you if they make you feel like....to put it nicely....doo doo.
   
   So, put on your mean face, curl your lip, beat your chest like King Kong, snarl angrily, and write down all the reasons why it just wouldn't have worked out between the two of you. Perhaps they have a hairy butt that you've possibly overlooked since their charming smile made you forget the fact that humans even have rumps to begin with? Write it down.
   
   Remember...that one time they...and that annoying way they....yeah.
   
   Be ruthless. Take no prisoners. You now have permission to be the biggest jerk you can be.

3. DON'T BE A JERK
   
   Now that you've written their flaws down on paper, resist the urge to tell it to them in person or via email, phone, etc.
   
   oh. Believe me. I know this one's a hard one to follow, but acting like a jerk only shows insecurity on your part. Jealousy and envy stem from insecurity and one should never act on this emotion. ever.
   
   Come on.
   
   You're better than that.

4. LIST ALL THE BADASS THINGS ABOUT YOU
   
   Contrary to popular belief or what your heart may be saying, you don't need anyone to complete you. Utter poop. Yeah, everyone needs companionship of some kind, but its not like you're this naked torso dragging itself about looking for a pair of legs and a head....not to mention some clothes.
   
   Unless you fall under the category of serial killer or something equally psychotically wrong, you've got a lot of awesome qualities you could write down about yourself.
   
   Get conceited. You're wonderful. Excellent. Awesome. Gorgeous. Those who reject you are, to put it quite simply...butt-face imbeciles.
   
   Heck, even a serial killer might be a kick-ass piano player with knack for opening pickle jars. Sure, he might use a chain saw to do it, but he's absolutely wonderful at it.

5. LOOK AT ALL THE WONDROUS OPTIONS!
   
   You may be too depressed to see it, but there's a plethora of delightfully tasty options out there that are not only better for you than that bag of oily potato chips, but far more substantial.
   
   Although potato chips are ridiculously addictive, they leave one feeling unsatisfied, gross, and quite possibly...fat.
   
   The person out there for you is more like the amazingly fresh and finger-licking dish that leaves you happy, confident, guilt-free, and completely satiated. Once this flavorful fantasy is on your menu, you'll never go back to that greasy bag of shame again. Why would you? This new dish has all the tastiness and none of the calories.

6. KEEP BUSY
   
   When you're lounging on the couch starring blankly at the walls, what often happens? Boredom, baby, that's what. And what does boredom lead to? Well, a lot of things, but one of them is hunger. Hunger for foods that aren't good for you and that you know you can't have.
   
   What happens when you think about something you can't have?
   
   Bad things, bud. Anger, depression, and sometimes...pure childish insanity.
   
   Now if you don't wish for this to happen to you, keep yourself occupied doing things that require your full-attention. Clean, watch a funny movie, look pictures of good looking celebrities on the internet that look nothing like that nummy piece of pie you're now allergic to, draw, write, sing, dance...any good clean activity that'll take your mind off things related to love and relationships of that nature.
   
   Basically, get a new hobby and make yourself so damn interested in other things that you'll move from an unhealthy obsession to a healthier one.
   
   Not to mention you'll be pretty damn interesting too.

7. JUST LET IT GO.
   
   It's expected that you feel hurt and depressed, but don't become a pathetic putz.
   
   You're allergic to your favorite dessert. Okay. You can't eat it anymore. It is what it is. Move on.
   
   Whoever this person was, they can't change their feelings. If someone was in love with you and you didn't feel the same way about them, you'd know there's nothing that person could do to MAKE you love them.
   
   You just don't feel that way about them. It wasn't meant to be. End of story.
   
   Same goes for you. Don't sit around pissing and moaning forever. Although it feels good the first couple times, it makes you feel bad in the long run, annoys those around you, and only intensifies your obsession with the person you're hung up on.

8. PATIENCE, YOUNG GRASSHOPPER.
   
   Instant gratification is great, but in this case you're just gonna have to let time do the healing.
   
   Yeah, it blows, but sadly...there's really no getting out of it faster.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't overeat, become a bulimic, starve yourself, over medicate yourself, become an alcoholic, become a druggie, or blow all your money on frivolities to numb the pain. It's tempting, but...just don't, alright? Okay. wow. I bet you couldn't figure that one out yourself.
• Don't be a creep or a stalker. Enough said.
• Have non-relationship oriented goals.
• Have interests. Good, creative, healthy hobbies.
• When it's meant to happen, it'll happen. For now concentrate on your interests and being the interesting amazing delicious widdle piece of awesomeness that you are. Confident, interesting people that are happy being themselves are attractive.

[number9]

on 4/6/2009 really hits everything on point.....i couldnt have said it myself, mainly because ill let myself go down in a a rut, but no more. I guess in my case letting it go, and not being angry anymore or sad, means letting him off the hook for the idiot he was. It'll feel like what he did to me was alright, which it really wasnt, but i guess it will be soon. thanks again

[number9]

on 4/6/2009 really hits everything on point.....i couldnt have said it myself, mainly because ill let myself go down in a a rut, but no more. I guess in my case letting it go, and not being angry anymore or sad, means letting him off the hook for the idiot he was. It'll feel like what he did to me was alright, which it really wasnt, but i guess it will be soon. thanks again

[only1Vanessa]

on 12/17/2008 I am so glad I found this! I love the list and I feel better allready :) Thank you!

[cut3ish]

on 11/16/2008 I thank you so much for posting this. It's really helping. I made the two lists and at least it made me smile. I can be SO much better off without him.

[raychellemoe]

on 7/29/2008 haha! I LOVE IT!!! It is soo true. Way to hit ir right on. Thanks! Write more! I love your style.