How to Pin the Blame on the Donkey

We've all done it. Found ourselves in the middle of an argument and can't remember what the point was in the first place, but instead of backing down, we fuel the fire with our words. We say something we don't mean, we blame, we snap, we yell. We don't like how we are behaving, but we have difficulty stopping.

It's infinite what loving partners fight about. Money, sex, raising kids, religion, politics, in-laws, where to vacation, what car to buy, who is right and who is wrong. All these quarrels express themselves in different ways-hot anger, cold withdrawal, rivers of tears and violence. There is one characteristic, however, that is at the bottom of unresolved anger-and that is the blame game. Couples play the blame game because no one likes to admit to being wrong. So instead of stepping up and saying, "I'm sorry, I messed up," they often get caught in a cycle of criticizing, complaining, moaning, whining, avoiding and pointing the finger. This is not a good role model for children-so here are some steps to turning this cycle around.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A desire to improve your emotional intelligence
• The intention to set a good example for children

1. Resist the temptation to let it all hang out. It's important to stop and think before you let the other person have it. If one of you is angry, that is a signal that something between you needs to be dealt with. Don't push the conflict under the rug by ignoring it, and don't over power your partner by blaming.

2. Stop and ask yourself: "Do I really need to say this?" "Will what I am about to say improve the situation?" Just because you feel like saying something, doesn't necessarily mean it needs to be said right at that moment. Wait and think about what's troubling before you speak about it.

3. Be willing to say: "OK, I'll back off and really try to listen to you this time." Drop stubbornness and stop butting heads. Sometimes sticking up for one self is good, but sometimes it leads to a stalemate. Nothing gets accomplished, resolved, forgiven or negotiated if you refuse to budge.

4. Recognize when you are angry and blaming your partner. Try this strategy: Say, "I think I'm getting angry." Then pause and say, "I need time to think over what's going on in me before I can talk to you."

5. Look deeply within yourself to find what is troubling you. What about the situation is disturbing you? Instead of making your partner wrong, communicate about what is causing your pain.

6. Stop. The blame game stops when the couple can say, "Honey, let's pin the blame on the donkey instead of each other." Use these phrases to stop blaming: "I see what you mean," or "I never looked at it in that way," or "You might be right."