How to Evaluate a Baseball Player’s Denial of Steroid Use

With the recent release of former Senator George Mitchell’s comprehensive, damning report, the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball has been on many people’s minds. Some of the players named in the report have come forward and admitted wrongdoing, and others have issued flat denials. How can a person sort through all this rhetoric to find out who is telling the truth? Here is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek method for evaluating steroid denials.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Watch the player’s immediate reaction after the accusations of steroid use are made public. If he either lays low and says nothing or issues a wishy-washy statement through his lawyer, agent or PR firm, he is probably guilty as sin.
2. Look back on the player’s career. If his performance and statistics suddenly and unexpectedly spiked, he is probably guilty as sin.
3. Consider that if he suddenly and unexpectedly bulked up and his head increased to twice its normal size, he is probably guilty as sin.
4. Be aware that if he suddenly experienced a rash of freak injuries, he is probably guilty as sin.
5. Consider that if, during Congressional hearings about steroid use in baseball, he says that he “doesn’t want to talk about the past,” he is probably guilty as sin.
6. Think about if a player admits that yes, he used performance-enhancing drugs, but he only did it once or twice, he is trying to apologize without really apologizing. “What I did was bad,” he is saying, “But not as bad as those other guys.” In all likelihood, he is lying like a rug.
7. Know that if a player is actually innocent, he will come out immediately and vociferously deny all use of performance-enhancing drugs. He will be angry and indignant and may even threaten to sue those who have falsely tarnished his reputation. Even if he does all these things, there is still a chance that he is guilty as sin.