How to Be Faster than Santa Claus

With the world's population now exceeding 6 billion, Santa's Christmas Eve responsibilities have became so daunting that they are actually beyond the limitations of traditional physics. Still, here's a primer on how to pull some serious roadrunner action on the jolly one.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

1. With billions of little boys and girls around the world, these days Santa would have to exceed the speed of light on Christmas Eve to get all the gifts delivered by morning. To beat him, you're going to need to acquire godlike superpowers that allow you to bend space and time.

2. Failing that, try studying quantum physics and become familiar with some central theories including that of Schrodinger's Cat.

3. Put the theory to the test by waiting until Christmas Morning, assembling a squad of Jedi masters, and asking them nicely to use a mind trick on the entire world population that convinces them that there is a big stack of gifts from Santa under the tree.

4. If certain theories about quantum mechanics hold true, this should cause gifts to spontaneously show up under the trees. Well, actually they won't show up, they've always been there, but we're just now noticing them.

5. Confused? Well, go read some books--I just write this stuff.

6. Sit back and relax. You just did Santa's job for him without ever going near a sleigh!

Tips & Warnings

• Don't take this article too seriously.
• Don't fact check my understanding of quantum mechanics. Loosen up.