How to discipline your difficult child A(without spanking)

Have you tried tons of discipline methods, only to find that they don't work on your child or stop working after a few weeks? This series of articles will help you discipline your difficult child(ren) without spanking or spoiling. Works with tweens, teenagers, special needs children and lazy parents.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Child(ren) approximately age 6 to 16 years
• Patience and love
• Copy of the FAIR Club
• Did I mention patience?!

1. Sweet! Wouldn't it be great if they stayed young and sweet forever?! (OK, I admit it, most of my children are only sweet about 25% of the time!
   
   So here's how I handle mine the other 75+% of the time now that they're too big to pick up and put in timeout and are smart enough to think things through!
2. Real life! In a family meeting, introduce the family rules (if you need help see my next how-to article on writing family rules). Keep the rules short and meaningful, remembering the age of your audience during the meeting (just like a timeout this should take no more than one minute per year of age). Make sure the rules include the concept of RRHAFTBA!
3. RRHAFTBA
   R – Respectful – You are expected to be respectful to yourself (and your possessions) as well as other people (and their possessions).
   
   R – Responsible – You are expected to be responsible for yourself and your actions. You are the only person who can control your body, what you say, and what you think.
   
   H – Honest – Not only does this mean not lying, but includes being honest and true to yourself. It also means being open and honest about your feelings and needs to those who love you and are trying to help you (like parents and therapists).
   
   AFTBA – And Fun To Be Around – You are expected to be fun to be around all the time. This is not easy to do, but you are capable of it. This does not mean that you must be happy at all times. It simply means that you are not to “inflict” yourself on others when you are not in a good mood.
4. Natural consequences of a self haircut - going to school that way! Let children know the consequences of breaking each of the rules as you go along. Natural and logical consequences work best because children learn best from them.
   
   A natural consequence is what happens if you don't interfere (ex. a child runs away from you in the mall - and gets lost and scared).
   This is the MOST effective means of discipline.
   (Think about it - as a teen, how many times did your parents lecture you to drive the speed limit; you read it in the driver's handbook; you saw the signs posted on the side of the road. I'm guessing you ignored all that and got a speeding ticket, right?! I'm also guessing that made you more likely to drive slower. If you actually had an accident from driving too fast you're even more likely to drive the speed limit. People tune out lectures and nagging - consequences get their attention.)
   
   A logical consequence is what happens when you don't want to allow the natural consequence to occur (especially if the child could get seriously injured or killed), but you want the child to still make the connection (ex. the next time you go to the mall the child must hold your hand). You might even give a real life lesson by allowing a child who habitually runs away to think they have gotten lost (while you keep an eye on the child from a hidden vantage point).
   
   Natural and logical consequences are the most efficient way to teach a child. Lectures, spankings, losing stickers, grounding and timeouts are usually so unrelated to the "crime" that often all they "teach" the child is to try not to get caught.
   
   Sometimes natural and logical consequences are difficult to apply. As your child gets older they can benefit from the FAIR club (see my article on the FAIR Club).
5. If you have a non-compliant child remember that there are lots of things you can do (assuming this is not a life or death situation). Some of my children are bigger than I am and/or have illnesses (like oppositional defiant disorder) that make it difficult to enforce typical punishments like putting them in their room (ever try to send an angry 200lb 13yr old to his room?!) or spanking (did I mention he's 5'9"?).
   a. Give YOURSELF a timeout. - Take a minute (one minute per year of your age works!) and step back from the situation. Do not give the child their "punishment" until you've had a chance to calm down and think of something that is "logical." This gives them some time to worry about it too! If possible, remove yourself from your child (the bathroom usually has a lock!).
   b. Let the child know that they can complete their consequence(s) whenever they're ready. Of course, in the meantime they are in the FAIR Club and this means no fun outings, having to go to bed early, no electronics...
   c. Remember this is not YOUR problem. Remain calm and logical (if you can't you might want to give yourself a timeout until you can!). Sympathize with the child (be VERY sincere - kid's can sense sarcasm a mile away and will immediately shut down!), but do NOT give in.
   d. Read the Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Repeat as necessary (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic is good too!).
6. Last but not least - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You'd be amazed at how much difference this makes.
   FIND A SUPPORT GROUP of people who "get it." If you don't have anyone local, try online. You can find anything on the internet these days!
   GET ENOUGH SLEEP.
   EAT WELL.
   DO SOMETHING THAT'S JUST FOR YOU!
   LAUGH! http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/ Check out this website and know that it could be worse (or know you are not alone!)
   
   Most importantly - know that you are not alone.

Tips & Warnings

• I am not an expert. I'm just a mom of 4 with a LOT of experience. You can check out my profile for more info.