How to Ease Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

A guy friend of mine recently revealed that the breakup between him and his ex-girlfriend wrecked havoc on his self-esteem. It was one of those slow death endings where love fades over a drawn out period of time, almost without notice, until the couple is left with nothing but an empty relationship carcass and memories of what used to be. As their relationship neared its end, the emotional distance between my friend and his ex lead to physical distance, which lead to frustration, which lead to my friend having problems performing sexually. Now he's making his way slowly back into the dating scene, but it's been awhile and he's afraid that his poor performance from his past relationship will bleed into any new ones. While I'm not a doctor and thus cannot speak to the physical aspects of the problem, I am a woman and have much to say about emotions. Here, in a nutshell, is the pep talk I gave my friend.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Rule out physical causes. There's a difference between being physically able to have an erection, but not getting one due to anxiety and being physically incapable of getting an erection altogether. If you're in the former group, I can offer some guidance. If you belong to the latter, it's best to seek help from a doctor. Also be aware that certain medications can negatively effect your sex drive.
2. Stop feeding the beast. This is one of those chicken and egg problems: Which came first, the anxiety or the poor performance? If you perform poorly once, you get anxious, and then you perform even more poorly, and then you get even more anxious. It feeds itself until you're left with an out of control dragon burning your sex life to cinders. Vow to stop indulging anxious thoughts about sex.
3. Connect to your body. Go dancing, practice yoga, learn Tantric breathing techniques. Get in touch with your personal physical energy in a way that has nothing to do with sex.
4. Be healthy. Too much alcohol and stress and too little sleep and exercise can cause your sexual stamina to head down hill. So hit the gym, hit the sack, just say no to that fourth pint and meditate. Also, eat your veggies, because a healthy diet is an essential factor in an overall healthy lifestyle.
5. Put it in perspective. Most men have this problem every now and then. It's really NOT that big of a deal. The story you create about your situation will play a big role in determining how often it repeats itself. You're doomed if you tell yourself, "I'm not a man. This sucks. There must be something wrong with me." Instead try, "This is just a fluke. It's no big deal. It happens to many men."
6. Be selective in who you date. Choose women who are caring, aware and mature, and who make you feel relaxed, supported and comfortable in your own skin.
7. Remember, sex is just one piece of the dating pie. Most women care about a whole host of other things before hot sex—like a sense of humor, kindness, generosity, passion for life, an ability to listen, good kisses, strong hugs and frequent back rubs—just to name a few.
8. Go slowly. Here's a secret: Women don't want you to rush to the punch. Kiss every inch of her neck. Play with every strand of hair on her head. Sex doesn't have to resemble a hot and heavy porn flick, and most of the time it's better when it doesn't. Allow tension to build over hours.
9. Visit the library. There are many great books that can help you gain a more holistic view of sex and equip you with tools and techniques that will send you to the bedroom with confidence. Read "The Joy of Sex," "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman," or "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Sexual Desire."
10. Use medications as a last resort.