How to Make Amends to Yourself

In the 12-Step programs, we are told that an essential component of recovering from our addictions and self-destructive behaviors is the act of making amends to those we have harmed during the course of our –isms. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are instructed to make a list of “those we have harmed” and to make amends, meaning a heartfelt apology “except when to do so would injure yourself or others.” Why do this potentially humiliating process? First, it’s the right thing to do. Second, we cannot move on in our own lives until we come to terms with our past actions, or karma. Acceptance of every facet of ourselves is essential as a foundation for any sort of realistic spiritual growth. Put face to face with ourselves in the mirror of amends, we can finally begin to discern our true faces. While the move and book Love Story may say that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, we all know that true love can be an endless apology! So in this thorny business of making amends, start with the person you’ve harmed most: yourself.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Make a list of three lies you habitually tell yourself. Identify those parts of your soul that are kept in the dark by those lies. Examples: I might say that I love my job, while there are often times I actually hate it. I have, as a result, broken myself into three parts: the first part that loves the job, the second part that hates it and the third that denies hating it.
2. Write down three situations or people with which you have been involved which resulted in some sort of hurt that you carry to this day. Be as specific as humanly possible.
3. After listing the three situations or people, ask yourself: how much of their weight do I still carry? What is my current relationship with these things right now? How emotional energy am I devoting to chewing over the past?
4. In each instance, perform a tiny ritual of self-amends, forgiving yourself for being unkind and hurtful to yourself as a result of self-lies and energy wasted. Perhaps burn the lists and as the smoke ascends, utter a prayer, vowing to live more in the moment and then refuse making you a victim.
5. For each instance you can recall of self-destructive behavior, remember some instance of constructive behavior. Write it down so you can see its reality.
6. Make Step 5 a daily or weekly practice. It’s called “taking inventory” in 12-Step recovery, much like a storekeeper will list what she has on her shelves and whether it’s good or out of date.