How to support a friend with chronic illness

You want your friends to be healthy, but what happens when they are not? In fact, they could be far from the picture of health and are uncomfortable in their own skin. You are unsure if they will win their struggle with this disease that threatens to overtake them. How do you stand by him or her without making it seem like a group pity party? How do you deal with your anxiety and fear along with theirs? How will you know what to say when words do not seem to suffice? What can you say to someone who is already stressed? Your words and encouragement could boost their outlook, not to mention their mental health, here's a few ways to help make that happen.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Friend (or family member)
• Time
• Thoughts
• Courage
• Wisdom

How to support a chronically ill friend

1. If you are a Christian say prayers! Do this before you even visit or talk with your friend. You could also contact your church to have them say prayers, even anonymously.
2. When you do talk to your friend, on the phone or in person, be a good listener. Let them talk as much or as little about health(or any subject) as they wish.
   
   When they are finished you may ask questions or offer assistance as needed. Resist the temptation to close off communication because you are afraid or nervous. Do not interrupt or cut them off. It is alright to express emotions, just be gentle.
3. If they have to undergo medical treatment offer "I would really like to be able to come with you, but only if you are comfortable."
   
   You might add, "I will not be offended if you want to go alone or with someone else."
4. If they are in pain and it is something you have not experienced, you can tell them you are there for them. Explain that you are not going to try to imagine what they are going through. Add that you admire their courage, strength, etc.
5. Avoid having the friendship continually revolve around the illness, finances and/or medical issues.
   
   Make it a point to do fun activities together that do not require a lot of physical strength.
   
   A meal out, a scrapbooking session or a movie is a great way to reconnect and chat informally. Create some lasting, yet simple memories.
6. Reassure your friend that you will stick by them no matter what the illness brings by your words and actions. Discuss humorous topics and let them take the lead in the conversation. Laughter will help them, though temporary.
7. Listen to what they need from you and give them just that. Do not be hurt if they tell you they need space, rest, etc.
   
   You can say to them "I will be here as much as you need me." And/or, "I am willing to ___". (pick up your children, buy groceries, bring meals, run errands, etc).
8. Do not make false promises or claims. It is not helpful to bring up another individual's struggle with a similar illness as their outcome may be entirely different. Do not bring up Internet or other research you have done unless they ask. Do not offer medical advice, always encourage them to seek appropriate care and treatment though you may not agree with the treatment course.
   
   If they bring up death, do not be afraid to explore that with them. If you feel good about a topic, go with your gut instinct. If not, do not bring it up for discussion.
9. Do not hound them for test results or a play-by-play on their health care. There are other ways to show you care.
   
   Talking about procedures can cause more anxiety. Also, they may not wish to burden you. Let them handle this in the way that best suits them.
10. If they are hospitalized in any way, you may want to visit them as much as you both are comfortable with.
    Feel free to talk about the weather, events or what's on their TV. Do not make empty promises like, "you will be fine." You do not have to discuss the illness unless they initiate the conversation.
    
    Bring them a nice notebook, flowers, book, pen, magazines or even a hand written card or letter. They can read cards and letters long after you leave and will feel your concern all over again.
    
    Do not be timid on implementing any of these tips.
    You may be surprised how the illness will strengthen your friendship, faith, and give you a new perspective.

Tips & Warnings

• Allow your friend to get rest whenever possible
• Let them take the lead in conversations about their illness
• Be there in body, mind and spirit whenever you can
• Ask them what they would like for you to do for them
• Tell them your friendship is unconditional
• Try to keep conversations positive and upbeat and not illness-focused
• Do not overstay your welcome
• Try not to discuss your worries or fears about their illness with them. This may be too great of a stressor for them.
• This is not about you, it is about them.