How to Win Child Custody in a Conservative State as a Lesbian Leaving a Marriage

After years of being closeted--perhaps even to yourself--you’ve realized you’re a lesbian and you’re meant to be with a woman. Keeping custody of your kids won't be easy, but it can be done.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Lead time
• A good attorney
• Financial advice
• The children’s best interests in mind

1. Keep your sexual orientation from your husband if you can until after the divorce. While you may be committed to honesty, attorneys in Red States will tell you that, if he decides to, he can use this information to fight for--and possibly win--sole custody.

2. Get your own attorney. Interview lawyer candidates about their history of representing gay and lesbian clients. Find out their personal opinion about gay parents: if an attorney is prejudiced, he or she will not represent you with conviction. The best attorney is often one who has successfully represented others in similar situations.

3. Before filing for divorce, withdraw half the money in shared accounts and open accounts in your own name. This may sound paranoid, but if you don’t do it first, your spouse may--and legally can--take all the money.

4. Keep all your personal belongings--especially divorce-related documents or love-letter emails--in a friend or relative's computer or in their home. You don’t want your husband to play the “my kids can’t live with a gay parent” card after he learns of your girlfriend’s existence and subpoenas her to appear in court.

5. Only tell the children what is necessary and age-appropriate. Get them to counseling, prior to letting them in on the divorce, if possible.

6. If you are raising children full-time, know that you’ll get a better maintenance settlement if you don’t go back to work during the divorce. The judge will try to keep the children’s lives constant as much as possible--with their father providing financial support and you providing the childcare.

7. Stay in the home (creating your own room in the basement if need be) even if you plan to set up your own household after the divorce. If you abandon the “marital home,” it may jeopardize your custody chances.

8. Know that joint custody between parents who live close to one another is often the best solution for the children. They have plenty of access to both parents and can still ride the school bus and play with neighborhood friends every day, no matter who’s “weekend” it is.

9. Know that even if you reveal your sexual orientation after the divorce, your ex can file for amended custody based on a “change of circumstances.” The longer the children have been in a post-divorce custody arrangement, the more likely the judge is to maintain the status quo.

Tips & Warnings

• If you are in a lesbian relationship and you know it will be used against you, ask your attorney about taking a “yes I am, so what?” approach. Being openly involved with someone is far better than perjuring yourself in court.
• Begin talking with a therapist and others who have been through this, about how and what to tell your children about your being a lesbian. Realizing that everyone is different can help them to be more accepting of all people.
• Don’t ask minor children to keep secrets.
• Don’t speak badly of your husband to your children, no matter how you are tempted. If they are upset about his criticizing you, tell them people often do things like that when they are angry and hurt.

Resources

• Human Rights Campaign on custody issues
• National Lesbian and Gay Law Association