How to Cook a 16lb Turkey in 2 hrs in a garbage can w/o Oil

Turn your garbage can into a giant roaster and acheive tender turkey perfection in just 2 hours. This is the fastest, healthiest way to cook a turkey. Once you get all the hardware, subsequent uses require all of 10 minutes prep time. As an advertising guy, I'm always looking for new and exciting ways to do things. This is one of the best.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• 30 gallon METAL Garbage Can
• 18lb Bag of Kingsford
• Roll of Aluminum Sheeting
• Lighter Fluid
• 16# Turkey (Thawed)
• 1/4" dia rod 3' long
• Aluminum Foil
• Bundt Cake Pan
• Coal Rack From Weber (optional)

1. First thing you need to do is make sure you have a METAL garbage can. Not you, but someone, somewhere, possibly a future Darwin Award winner, needs to be told this.
   
   Second, and perhaps not-so-obvious, you need to de-galvanize the garbage can. Place sheets of newspaper or plain printer paper in the can and set it on fire. Make sure you have enough flame to reach the top of the can.
   
   I've cooked over a dozen turkeys with no ill effects.
   
   But, if you're all worried about the galvanization thing, perhaps you shouldn't be doing this in the first place.
   
   Anyway, after the fire goes out, turn the can over and empty out the ashes.
2. Fill pan with liquid to ensure juicy results. Take the 1/4" metal rod and pound it into the ground about 6" or so. You'll know if it's far enough in the ground because when you invert the garbage can over it, the rod doesn't touch the top of the can. Put another way, the can makes solid contact with the ground. Check your work by turning the can over the rod now. I'll wait ..................
   
   Next, slide your Bundt cake pan down the rod. Then, wrap aluminum foil around the rod sealing off the hole in the Bundt cake pan.
   
   Fill the Bundt cake pan with liquid such as water, beer, wine, liquid smoke and your favorite spices such as garlic, onions & celery.
   
   Finally, if you choose to use a grate, slide it down the rod and into place.
   
   If you don't understand ... look at the photo.
3. Big opening at bottom. Neck at top. Slide your thawed turkey down the rod. The large opening of the turkey should be down with the neck up. Because heat rises, this will allow the heat to travel up through the bird and help roast it from the inside out as well as from the outside in. This is the secret to cooking a 16 to 17lb bird in 2 hours. So just do it.
   
   If you like to inject your bird with marinades, go right ahead. If you prefer rubs .. no problem.
4. Properly placed can. Place the garbage can upside down over the turkey making sure the can seals solidly with the ground. Pound the rod in more if you need to. (Remember I told you to check this in step #2). Give the can a couple twists back and fourth to ensure as tight and as secure a seal as possible. This is relatively important as you find out later. So just do it.
5. Fire ring keeps charcoal in place for optimal burn. Place your aluminum sheeting around the base of the garbage can creating a "fire ring". You want about 2" between the fire ring and the can. This 2" area will house the charcoal.
6. Even distribution of charcoal is key. Pour charcoal evenly around the base of the garbage can, within the fire ring except for 12 to 15 pieces. Even distribution will prevent "hot spots" or a situation that causes one side of the bird to burn.
   
   I'm not kidding. I have a friend, Darwin. He wouldn't listen. He poured darn near 1/2 the bag all on one side then sorta of spread the rest around. I swear, the one side was too black to even pass for Cajun food while the other side was darn near raw. Today, he's vice-president of the "Even Charcoal Distribution Club."
   
   Even distribution works. So just do it.
7. Charcoal in place. Apply lighter fluid. Place about 12 to 15 pieces of charcoal for the top of the can. At this point you can liberally apply charcoal lighter fluid all around the base and to the charcoal on top of the can. Remember how earlier I said you need a tight seal between the can and the ground? Here's why:
   
   If the seal isn't tight the lighter fluid and/or fumes will seep into the can. When you light it one of two things may happen:
   
   1) The fumes inside the can will ignite launching your garbage can into the stratosphere:
   
   2) The fluid will ignite and negatively flavor your meat to some degree. (of the two, this is MUCH more likely to happen)
   
   Once again, if any of this concerns you a great deal, then maybe you ought not be doing this in the first place.
8. Now your garbage can is a roaster! Set it on fire! Light a piece of paper and throw it on. That's the safe way.
   
   Course Darwin likes to use a roman candle. Just make sure that after the first shot ignites your roaster you're not pointing the roman candle toward the open window of your buddy's car when you break into a celebration dance. I swear I don't even know why he's still my friend.
   
   Check the time. In about :15 minutes you'll want to spread the charcoal on top of the can around. It acts like a Thermal Resistance Barrier. All I know is it works, so do it. After you do that you have
   about 1:45 (read 1 hour and :45 minutes) to kill until the bird is ready.
   
   Sometimes I stick an all-beef wiener on a long stick and roast me one while enjoying a cold one while I wait. Or, I cram a bunch of those LITTLE wieners on a stick. Can you spell a p p e t i z e r s?
9. 2 hours inside a garbage can! After 2 hours, use a pair of gloves or pot holders and lift the can straight up and away from the turkey. Golden Turkey Perfection.
10. Ready to carve. Ready to eat. At this point you can use the liquid that is left in the bundt cake pan to make gravy. You'll have to spice it up a bit because, quite frankly, all the flavor stays in the turkey.
    
    Thankfully this is How To Cook A Turkey in a Garbage Can and not How To Make Gravy because my gravy is as bad as my turkey is good. If you figure it out, let me know.
    
    But ya know, when the turkey looks this good, who cares about gravy? Just have extra butter on hand.
11. You know it's good when all that's left is the bones. What's left is ready for the soup pot.
    
    Using a garbage can as a giant roaster is fun and it keeps a lot of the mess and heat of a big turkey dinner out of the kitchen.
    
    I've only done this with 16 to 17 lb birds. In the summer you can get away with not using the fire ring. But as the photos prove, I've used this cooking method with snow on the ground. Using the fire ring works great.
    
    I like to cook. And I like innovative ways of doing it. If you like innovative ideas, check out www.CrooksAdvertising.com where we're cooking up great marketing ideas for businesses everyday.

Tips & Warnings

• Read and heed the warnings on the charcoal bag and the lighter fluid bottle.
• Hey! You're playing with fire. There is a possibility you could get burned.