How to Get Your Child to Listen

If your children rarely obey you, you should take look at how you communicate with them. With some good communication techniques, you might find that conversations with your children will actually be, well, conversations.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Write down why you think you have trouble communicating with your child. Examine how you communicate. Perhaps your communication style repels your child. She may feel that she is not being understood, or that her feelings are not acknowledged. Some phrases to stay away from include:
   
   • “How many times do I have to tell you…”
   • “If I catch you doing that one more time…”
   • “What is wrong with you?”
   • “Why won’t you ever listen to me?”
   
   When children hear any of these phrases, they immediately tune you out. Try phrases like:
   
   • “I know you have trouble remembering, but would you please…”
   • “Please don’t do that again. You know that’s against the rules.”
   • “What made you act this way? Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”
   • “It makes me feel badly that you aren’t listening. Can you tell me what I can do that would help the situation?”

2. Speak in sound bites. According to the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish, a child will tune out anything that sounds like a lecture. Instead of going on about why your child shouldn’t have done something, simply use a short sentence or two.

3. Listen to your child, and repeat what she says back to her to demonstrate that you've heard her. Don't try to solve the problem for her or interject your point of view. Sometimes all your child needs is the opportunity to get something off her chest. Just listening to her can improve the situation. And the next time you want to tell her something, she’ll probably respond more positively to you, since you really listened to her.

4. Share your feelings with your child. If something he said makes you angry or sad, let him know. You could say, “You know, when you said that to me, it really hurt my feelings. I don’t like being spoken to that way. Please don’t do that again.” Remember you are your child’s most important role model, so if you can talk about your feelings openly and honestly, he will do the same.

Tips & Warnings

• Write a note and tell your child what you want to say. Make it funny, a work of art or just plain silly. Stick the note on the refrigerator, or leave it by her bed so she can read it when she wakes up. Put a sticky note on her favorite pair of sneakers. Always end the note by telling her that you love her.
• Let your child make as many choices as he can. It will empower him, and make him feel special and more independent. This way, when you do have to make a choice for him, he won’t feel powerless.
• Avoid yelling The more you can find other ways to communicate, the better. Children only hear the yelling, not the words you are saying, so it’s not an effective way to communicate. If you are angry, take a break and talk to your child after you cool down.
• Never call your child names or ridicule him.