How to Define Your Role as a Stepparent

The "step" in stepparent is deceiving; it implies you can step right into your new role and live happily ever after. Any stepparent can tell you that's rarely the case. As you and your spouse embark on your new life together, you simultaneously will have to build two or relationships. While it may be easy to define your role as a spouse, defining your role as a stepparent is another matter entirely.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Wade into the water instead of jumping right in. Think of yourself as a lifeguard. It's your job to watch the beach, see what's going on and jump in if someone is drowning. Your spouse has been swimming in these waters a lot longer than you and knows where all the sharks hang out.
2. Resist the temptation to be the leading man and step into the role of supporting actor. Your job is to make the lead actress (your wife) look good and notice the little things that are holding her back from stardom. Feel free to have behind-the-scenes discussions with your spouse about the drama in your home and offer your advice as to how to tone it down some, but let her be the one who implements the action. She should confront her children with solutions and consequences, or you will quickly become the villain in this scenario.
3. Ask the children what they want to call you. They might not feel comfortable with "Mom" or "Dad," at least not right away. It's perfectly appropriate for them to call you by your last name. What you don't want is something formal, like "Mr. Smith," or "Ms. Jones." Those designations will distance you from the children.
4. Learn the old dances, teach some new ones and don't be a wallflower. The reality is that your spouse and stepchildren have probably found their groove as a group. Don't upset the flow in the house, but don't sit back and watch either. Become an active participant in their favorite activities and gradually introduce new ones. Encourage them to try new activities, but don't force them to do anything they don't like.
5. Accept what is and don't try too hard to change it. Depending on how old your stepchildren are, you may never be viewed as a "true" parent. This doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't be respected or listened to when enforcing the rules. It just means that you can't force a child to cast you in a role that's already being played by someone else.

Tips & Warnings

• As a stepparent, your legal rights are limited. Talk to your spouse about putting some things into place so that you can legally seek medical care for your stepchildren in emergency situations or talk to school authorities about them, even if it's just to call them in sick.