How to Spot a Maniac on the Street

You can easily spot a maniac on the street if he happens to be clad in a bloody smock and waving a dripping red butcher knife. However, not all maniacs are so obvious. You need to keep an eye open for all maniacs, especially those with subtle distinctions that separate the men, or women, from the maniacs. Read on to learn how.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Get rid of the obvious. In addition to waving a butcher knife, obvious maniacs will generally stick out because they are weaving through the crowd, naked, sporting a sign that says “The sky is falling at 2 o’clock” or scaling the side of a building in a Spiderman mask.
2. Look for the subtleties. The less-obvious maniacs will have downtrodden or highly excited demeanors, sport a manic glare that gazes only upwards or at their feet, have clenched teeth or twitching cheeks, or be dressed totally inappropriately for the weather. They are the ones who wear shorts in the snow.
3. Delve further into the details. Once obvious and less obvious maniacs are spotted, it’s now time to find the hidden maniacs. These will often disguise themselves as a benign lady walking her shih-tzu who starts to freak out if a larger dog comes within 200 feet, a couple who are wonderfully in bliss then suddenly start screaming at each other for no apparent reason or those people who approach you to ask where you get your hair done then try to sell you anti-balding products.
4. Listen. People that scream at the top of their lungs about elves in the pantry, talk gibberish or are having a very loud conversation even though they have no cell phone can be safely categorized as maniacs.

Tips & Warnings

• Maniacs come in all shapes, sizes and manner of dress. Just because someone is in a $5,000 suit doesn’t make him immune from being a maniac.
• Someone kissing a skeleton is most likely a maniac.
• Don’t assume all drunks are maniacs, although they can be if you make them mad.
• Don’t assume all homeless people are maniacs, although they too have a high percentage in their midst. But give them a break. Even the best of us may tend to get maniacal if we had to sleep outside in the rain.