How to Deal with Teacher-Student Conflict

Kids are occasionally irrational. They do not have the coping abilities of adults. They tend to excuse their own failures by looking for someone to blame it on. This blame game becomes difficult when there's no one standing there but you and the teacher. When we're children, our parent or guardian protects us and, in the intermediate, middle school and even high school years, it's common to have parents stomping into teacher conferences, demanding to know why the teacher is picking on their child. Score one for the kids and a goose egg for the grownups. The kid's won this one. Read on to learn more.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• A firm recall of your own childhood
• Patience and grace
• Time to solve the problem

1. The first time you hear the whine, sit down and ask your child what he means. What did the teacher do or say that would make him think this? Did he miss an assignment or say something that might have upset the teacher? Explain that sometimes teachers have a lot of decisions to make and that perhaps your child waded in at the wrong time. Explain what "the straw that broke the camel's back" means and imagine having 26 10-year-olds asking for everything from tissues to an explanation of quantum mechanics while you have to teach a lesson on the solar system.
2. The second time you hear the whine, try Step 1 again. If the complain persists, call your child's teacher (just to check in) and tell him that you would like to help get things straightened out if possible. The teacher may not even be aware of a problem (remember those 25 other children?) or welcome an opportunity for some grown-up help.
3. When you meet with the teacher, be honest about what your child has told you and forthright about the steps you have already taken as a parent. Depending on the teacher's response, you may bring your child in at this point to see that you and the teacher are ready to solve the problem.
4. Allow the teacher and the child to negotiate without interference to see if the problem is going to be solved. This may happen with you sitting there at the table with them or it may happen between teacher and student and a phone call between you and the teacher, depending on your "read" of the situation. If you are beginning to get the idea that your child has a point, stay put at the table.
5. Follow up with the teacher and your child as to how things are going and be ready to mediate. Both your child and her teacher should now feel comfortable asking for your help instead of thrusting you into the middle of their problem.

Tips & Warnings

• Teachers are responsible for knowing how to resolve conflicts. If you insist on establishing a neutral environment, identifying the nature of the problem and negotiating a number of alternatives for resolution, nobody has any right to tell you you're just wrong.
• In mediating a dispute between our child and his teacher, our involvement showes that we are sincerely interested in the teacher's point of view and our child's progress in school. It demonstrates to our child that it is possible to resolve conflict without resorting to name-calling and shouting.
• Beware taking on your child's failures as your own. This use of children's accomplishments (or lack thereof) as part of the parent's self-image is very common (teachers can spot it) and has a negative effect on the child's ability to define her own self-image.
• Never take sides in one of these conflicts until the situation has been discussed thoroughly. If neither party agrees to negotiate, it may be time for you to pull rank and suggest that a counselor or the principal be brought in to examine the situation.
• Always insist on being involved in meetings where your child or her problems are being discussed. This is your right as a parent.