How to Become a Hitman

We all have dreams. We all have talents. Unfortunately, not all dreams and talents correlate. This tragedy of the human condition often creates opposing forces in the brain, erupting in a frenzy of violence and mayhem. However, this pathology can often be channeled for virtuous ends. That’s why if you’re contemplating a career taking the lives of others for the greater good, you’ve stumbled upon the right article.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Contacts
• Weapons
• Mental Toughness
• Physical Prowess
• Loose Morals

1. Like other businesses, you'll need clients. Unlike other businesses, you can't just post advertisements all over town. Being discreet by placing mercenary bulletins in the back of military and weapon magazines is a good way to start making contacts.
2. Become a weapons expert. Someone once said there's a million ways to die. If that's true, there's also a million ways to kill someone. Learn them.
3. Exercise. One of the biggest blunders a hitman can make is not being in top physical shape. Enroll in gymnastic courses and martial arts classes, learn to run long distances and sprint. This will increase your chances of pulling off a clean job.
4. Former hitwoman, the Black Widow, is finally captured. Know the law. Read different law books and consult lawyers so you know what to do and say if you ever become entrapped by the long, sticky tentacles of the law.

Tips & Warnings

• A good hitman almost always wears a trench coat. It's a mystery why this is, but you should invest in one to look the part.
• Killing is not very nice. It is also highly illegal. Talk to your rabbi, priest, family, friends, psychiatrist or voice in your head if you've been convinced by any part of this article.