How to Waste Time and Money

A lot of people say that time is money, but trying to use both toward a relatively pointless cause can be harder than you think. Well, maybe not.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Plenty of time
• Plenty of money

1. Find something that’s a chemical downer and take it. Expensive drugs that will make you sit around for hours are a good place to start. Muscle relaxers are a good bet.
2. Get distracted. Read pointless information, stare at random patterns. Don’t focus your attention on anything too long. Space out and sit around.
3. Drive around aimlessly. Use expensive gasoline and drive through boring suburbs. Stay off scenic highways and attempt to get into traffic jams.
4. Spend a lot of time in an expensive second home, doing exactly what you would do in the first home. Try to watch bad television on really nice, huge screens. Buy televisions for every room, and set them all on different channels walk around your house instead of channel surfing.
5. Buy pointless things online. Get nostalgic for a past that was never yours. Want to see what you’d look like in an old letterman jacket? Outbid everyone on eBay with insanely high bids that you can barely afford. Don’t bother following up on the auction since you know that your bid is definitely going to be thousands of dollars above anyone else’s. This effectively takes away any auction drama and ensures you'll always pay the highest price.
6. Find someone in Nigeria who has an inheritance or other sum of money for you. Some “VERY LUCKEY (sic)” people sometimes are told they can claim millions of dollars if they first spend several hours emailing and calling someone in Nigeria and they money-order sums to that person as well.
7. Prank other countries. Find another country’s telephone exchange code and start dialing random international calls. When someone answers, try to tell them a joke in a different language. Alternatively, you can imitate what you think that country’s language sounds like to you, and see if the fellow on the other end is fooled. Repeat for hours.
8. Buy movies you’ve seen but don’t like. Watch half of each of them.
9. Get organizing help but don’t use it properly. Spend a lot of money and time on a personal closet organizer or a complicated series of filing systems. Separate out a bunch of stuff, papers or clothes or whatever needs sorting. When you put them in their files or storage space, mix everything back up again and don’t label it.
10. Buy fancy clothes and wear them around your house, but never go out. Spend gobs of money on shirts no one will see, shoes that will never walk actual pavement and sunglasses that never have to come into direct contact with sunlight.