How to Help Your Baby Boomer Parent Transition to the Next Phase

There’s no question that our Baby Boomer parents have made their mark on history. They served in Vietnam. They protested Vietnam. They screamed for The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show." They grooved to Motown. They journeyed to Woodstock. They witnessed the assassinations of JFK and Martin Luther King. They watched as Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. They fronted women’s liberation and sexual liberation and experimented with hallucinogenic drugs. They got married and then made divorce mainstream. Today they may insist that 60 is the new 40, yet there is no hiding the fact that our Baby Boomer parents are “maturing.” Perhaps it’s time to give a little consideration to how we can help our parents transition to their next phase of life.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Acknowledge the shift. Our Boomer parents are certainly not geezers, but they also aren’t the conquer-the-world hurricanes of their youth. Things are changing. They complain about arthritis in knees. They lose their glasses. They go to bed earlier. They have salt-and-pepper hair. Whatever the change may be, chances are that you recognize, perhaps for the first time, your parents are aging. A major shift occurs as you move from a child needing advice and assistance from Mom and Dad, to an adult giving advice and assistance to Mom and Dad.
2. Prepare for identity crises. Not just from your parents, but from yourself as well. As the shift occurs, all of you may feel a little out of sorts trying to define the new roles of the next phase of your relationship.
3. Grieve. Several weeks ago it hit me deeply: My mother is going to die. I sobbed. I crawled next to my mother on the couch. “I’m going to miss you so much when you die,” I told her. She smiled, sweetly stroked my hair, and we had a long talk about what she wants me to do when she dies (not cry too much, buy a really beautiful dress, sell her house and buy myself a condo in the city or a vacation home by the beach, and know that she will always be with me). The sight of your parents aging brings up grief that can disguise itself as irritation, indifference or even denial. It’s better to prepare for your grief now then to wait for it to knock you over like a ton of bricks.
4. Observe and give help where you’re needed. You know how proud and strong-willed Baby Boomers are. They won’t ask for help, especially from their own children. It’s up to you to observe their lives and notice where they could use your strong body and quick brain. Garage need cleaning? Pick up a broom. Phone bill need disputing? Get on the horn. Pants need hemming? Find a tailor. Don’t wait until you’re asked to offer help. See what you can do and give freely. Think of it as a "thank you" card for all the times they woke up in the middle of the night to change your diapers when you were a babe.
5. Keep them in the loop. As you create your own adult life, your parents may be at loose ends. You were their main focus for decades. I often hear complaints from my friends that their empty nester parents are “too needy,” that they “call too much,” and “don’t have a life of their own.” Be empathetic. They only want to know what’s going on and it’ll make both your lives easier if you let them be included in your life by sharing stories, giving updates and asking for their input.
6. Encourage adventure, but accept resistance. Many Boomers live lives rich in adventure and hobbies. This is great. Keep encouraging your parents to pursue their passions, to step out of the comfort zones, to pick up new skills, to develop undiscovered talents. For some, however, the thought of trying new things and meeting new friends can be terrifying. If you think your parents need to create a more fulfilling life, don’t do so by shoving them off the deep end. Practice the fine skill of coaxing. Encourage travel, but don’t buy the tickets without your mom’s okay. Encourage romance, but don’t create an online dating profile for your dad without him knowing. Use suggestions, not insistence, when encouraging your parents to add new spices to their lives.
7. Think green. I mean "Benjamins," not biodiesel. In an interview with CNN.com, financial expert Suze Orman (a Boomer herself) says our parents have been “baby bummers” when it comes to preparing for their financial future. Today that financial future has become the financial present, so if you haven’t already, it’s time to talk to your parents about their financial situation. Do they have money saved? Do they have debt? Are they planning to retire soon? If they can’t afford to retire (as many Boomers cannot), how long do they realistically think they can continue working? What would happen if they lost their jobs? How would they support themselves without income? Can you afford to support them?
8. Discover their stories. The Boomers, no doubt, have had some amazing experiences. Now that you’re a little older, maybe you can coax a few of those tales that they’ve been keeping secret out into the open.
9. Say, “I love you.” Have fun together. Forgive old hurts. Move forward.