How to Survive Adult Children Living with Parents
An increasing number of adult children live with their parents. Not only is it is difficult for many adults to find a job in a tough economy, it is also difficult to stay in the same job because of layoffs. Furthermore, young adults need more education to enter and compete in the workforce. Also, high housing costs make it difficult for them to retain or obtain their own apartment. Whatever the reason an adult child is living at home, the goal is to help the child become more independent.
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Instructions
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Before the Move
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1
Decide what you need to make the living arrangement work. For example, should your child pick up after himself, do his own laundry. What do you expect concerning curfews, having friends over, sleepovers, and drugs and alcohol?
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2
Discuss with your child what each of you needs and wants and how you can make living together a positive experience for everyone. From these discussions, develop guidelines with your child for her responsibilities and behavior at home.
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3
Living with your adult child can be an opportunity to enrich your relationship. Help your child realize that he will be a guest in his parent's home and should act accordingly. That means being respectful and courteous and may require doing some things that wouldn't be necessary if he were living on his own. For example, you may want your child to call when he will be late, so you won't worry.
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4
Answer the following questions with your adult child: How will we know this arrangement is working, how will we know when the arrangement isn't working and what will we do if it isn't working.
Be a Counselor
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5
Listen to your child and be empathetic. She likely has mixed feelings about moving home as well as doubts about her future. Be open and nonjudgmental.
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Ask your adult child if he would like your advice rather than offering it indiscriminately. Realize that your child needs to make his own decisions and mistakes to learn to take responsibility for himself.
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Use open-ended questions with your child such as "How are things going?" and "How can I help?" This provides an opportunity for discussion and for you to relate to your child as a friend, not a child
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Help your child find solutions to her problems rather than solving them for her.
Goals and Action Plan
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Work with your child to develop a plan for his independence. Include the long-term objective, short-term goals and deadlines. Examples of long-term objectives are accruing the funds to go back to school, moving out and/or obtaining employment. Short-term goals could include the number of job applications the child completes each week or the amount of rent your child pays you. The rent could increase as he becomes more financially solvent.
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Determine how you will help your child. For example, you could help your child restructure her debt. Keep in mind that you should decrease your responsibilities as your child takes on more responsibility for herself.
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Determine, with your child, the consequences if he fails to meet the goals and objectives.
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12
Revisit the goals and action plan regularly. You may need to restructure the plan with your child.
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Tips & Warnings
This can be a time for parents and children to restructure their relationship, one of friendship between adults.
You may want to have a written contract with your adult child, which you both sign. This can help prevent later clashes about living arrangements and agreements.
Your child will likely be angry that she has to depend on her parents at this point in her life. Be aware of those emotions.
References
Resources
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